Hey guys, I hope the start of the week is treating you well.
I have to be honest with you… I had a really hard time trying to decide on what to post today. My original plan was to join Katie’s MIMM with a Vegas recap, but in light of what happened in CT on Friday, talking about the things that I’ve been blessed with and how in love with life I am right now feels somewhat wrong and makes me feel incredibly guilty. How can I be happy when so many are hurting? How can I ignore the pain and suffering of others? I can’t… but at the same time, how can I ignore my blessings? How can I not be happy with all the good things in my life?
I can’t do that either.
So I’m torn. On the one hand, the thought of those little lives that were lost brings tears to my eyes, but at the same time, I feel so far removed from what happened… I can’t pretend to know what it feels like to lose a child; I can’t pretend to know what it feels like to be part of a community that’s been shattered by such an act of horror; I can’t even imagine those things – I know what it feels like to hurt, but nothing that I’ve been through even remotely comes close to what happened in CT. I don’t know why some people have to suffer while others don’t; I don’t know why some people are saved from that kind of pain while others aren’t; all I know is that things like that should never happen.
I’m trying to digest all this and try to figure out how to balance my gratitude and grief. I don’t know how to cope with intense emotion – both positive and negative. I have a hard time expressing extreme happiness, and the same difficulty with showing extreme sadness – I can never seem to find the perfect words to express exactly how it is that I’m feeling so what I end up showing is… nothing. I bottle up my emotions and pretend that whatever’s happening isn’t happening because acknowledging it would overwhelm me. Defense mechanisms at their finest, eh?
So that’s where I stand. Grief, gratitude, and guilt; and try as I might, I can’t make sense of this jumble of emotions. Should I be grateful for what I have or should I be grieving for what happened? Probably both, and I’ll get back to you when I figure out how to do that. For today, I’m putting off the recaps, getting myself settled back in to normal life, and keeping those affected by this tragedy in my thoughts and prayers.