… until you’ve lost it.
I’m pretty sure that most, if not all, of us are familiar with this well known phrase – perhaps even having been unfortunate enough to experience it’s truth first hand. It brings to light the fact that there are so many things in our lives that we take for granted. Our possessions. Our loved ones. Our health. Things that we don’t truly come to appreciate until they’ve been taken away from us, and we’re forced to go on through life without them.
No, I didn’t lose Kaiah – don’t worry.
She’s just mopey because it’s been raining all day and she’s cooped up inside.
Probably one of the most common questions that I get asked is how I manage to stay so strong and motivated in my recovery; how I manage to keep from giving in to bad habits whenever times get rough.
My answer?
Because I never want to go back to that place again… I never want to lay down for the night and wonder if I’ll wake up in the morning. I never want to feel so physically exhausted that I can’t even muster up enough energy to turn over in bed when I feel uncomfortable. I never want to waste my days watching the clock and obsessing about when/what my next meal will be. I never want to feel so depressed and hopeless that I consider taking my own life because I can’t deal with living it any longer.
That was my life in the depths of my eating disorder, and I never want to go back to it again. I’m so incredibly grateful for everything that I’ve gained in recovery, that I’ll do whatever it takes to hold on to it… which, thankfully, isn’t all that hard because so much good food is involved…
Peaches & Cream Oats – Eggy bananafied steel cut base, frozen peaches, melted coconut butter.
A bowl of Puffins (Hi Nicky! :D), Kashi Honey Sunshine, and puffed wheat with vanilla almond milk and a dollop of strawberry Greek yogurt.
Baked sweet potato with maple syrup, cinnamon, cottage cheese, and roasted almond butter.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookies. I had totally forgotten about this recipe, but after seeing them on Freya’s blog, I knew I needed to make them quick… perfect for a rainy day.
. – . – . – .
I mean, would you trade any of that for a plate that looked more like this?
If your answer is yes, then I’m afraid we can no longer be friends.
But I wish you well [and hope that you come to your senses].
I had to completely lose my health, and almost my life, before I was able to appreciate just how much a healthy body is worth. I’m not kidding when I say that I’m almost crying tears of joy after every mile I run, or after every weight session I finish, because I still remember a time when I could barely drag myself up the stairs without having to stop in the middle, and when lifting my arms to wash my hair in the shower was almost more than I could handle. Without health, there is nothing. Period.
No happiness. No spark. No life.
An ED, or any sort of disordered belief, tries to convince us that life will be so much better if we just lose those 5 lbs, those 10 lbs, those 20 lbs. Bullshitpoop. I remember what life was like, and it sure as hell wasn’t any better. That’s why it breaks my heart to see so many girls willingly torture themselves because of this kind of mentality. They slave away at the gym while denying the simple pleasures that good food brings. And for what? To buy jeans that are one or two sizes smaller? Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll take health, happiness, and freedom any day, even if they do come with a bigger pair of pants.
If your body is healthy, appreciate it… because you never know what you have until you’ve lost it…
… and getting it back isn’t always that easy…
. – . – . – .
Show your body some gratitude… I love my body because it _______ .
Beautiful post Amanda!
Its not like Im perfect at it (at all!!), but when I “want” to eat all raw again, I try to remember how aweful it always makes me feel. And how restricted it makes me, and lonely!
I cant describe how wonderful that sweet potao looks! YUM!!
<3
Relieved your beautiful dog is still around, don’t scare us like that! 😉
Amanda, again I love your words. There are so many things I would not take for granted again, but that I didn’t think twice about both before and during the years of anorexia. The ability to feel, whether it be joy or sadness, to breathe without pain, to have legs that can carry me without threatening to break… to simply live in a body that is not close to death, but a living, passionate creature.
Thank you for providing your readers with motivation to keep on going, also on the hardest of days in recovery. They feel like hell, but they are not hell. Anorexia is.
I love my body because it is unique. It is a kind, wonderful creature who forgives a mind who has tortured it. I love my body because it shows me that food is a gift, and with enough nourishment it enables me to discover the world. I couldn’t ask for more, it is beautiful.
<3
Relieved your beautiful dog is still around, don’t scare us like that! 😉
Amanda, again I love your words. There are so many things I would not take for granted again, but that I didn’t think twice about both before and during the years of anorexia. The ability to feel, whether it be joy or sadness, to breathe without pain, to have legs that can carry me without threatening to break… to simply live in a body that is not close to death, but a living, passionate creature.
Thank you for providing your readers with motivation to keep on going, also on the hardest of days in recovery. They feel like hell, but they are not hell. Anorexia is.
I love my body because it is unique. It is a kind, wonderful creature who forgives a mind who has tortured it. I love my body because it shows me that food is a gift, and with enough nourishment it enables me to discover the world. I couldn’t ask for more, it is beautiful.
<3
I love my body because, now, it is strong. At my lowest weight, when I was still struggling with disordered eating, holding myself in certain Yoga asanas was impossible because I was so weak and didn’t fuel my body properly. Then, after gaining weight and, in turn, muscle, suddenly I found myself able to do difficult poses that I assumed I’d never be able to do, and I was so proud of my progress, both with Yoga and with overcoming my struggles. 🙂
That’s definitely one of the best things about getting healthier – feeling strong again 😀
All I can say is, AMEN!
I love my body because it taught me a lesson, that you can’t treat it like crap and expect not to be punished. If you treat your body well, it WILL reward you!
I love my body because… Well, to be honest, I don’t. Most of the time I am disgusted with it when I look in the mirror. And maybe exactly for this reason I should love it – because, in spite of all the hatred, it keeps carrying my little cruel soul and obeying my crazy orders. I love its stubbornness 🙂 . But even though my meal plan needs some change to become healthier, I don’t think a plate of broccoli and carrots can be called a meal.
I love my body because… Well, to be honest, I don’t. Most of the time I am disgusted with it when I look in the mirror. And maybe exactly for this reason I should love it – because, in spite of all the hatred, it keeps carrying my little cruel soul and obeying my crazy orders. I love its stubbornness 🙂 . But even though my meal plan needs some change to become healthier, I don’t think a plate of broccoli and carrots can be called a meal.
Love this post!
I love my body because it carries me through each day and gives me the ability to explore the world.
I used to go to bed thinking the same thing… what if I don’t wake up in the morning… sometimes I still think that 🙁 Mostly because I’m paranoid and a hypochondriac, haha.
I love my body because it dances like crazy.
Oh gosh, Amanda. I totally teared up reading this. I’m SO glad you came back from everything because even though I’ve only known you a short time, you have made my life infinitely happier. Your pictures are beautiful and your attitude and zest for life is truly inspirational 🙂
I love my body because it has carried me through a half marathon, it tells me what it needs and it’s forgiving of my mistakes. And because it’s NOT perfect. I’d way rather be real than perfect 🙂
Oh gosh, Amanda. I totally teared up reading this. I’m SO glad you came back from everything because even though I’ve only known you a short time, you have made my life infinitely happier. Your pictures are beautiful and your attitude and zest for life is truly inspirational 🙂
I love my body because it has carried me through a half marathon, it tells me what it needs and it’s forgiving of my mistakes. And because it’s NOT perfect. I’d way rather be real than perfect 🙂
“I’d way rather be real than perfect ” <– This! Amen!
<3 you girlie.
This is so beautiful and thank you!! It is one of the main things in my recovery that keeps me motivated…the recollection and memories.
(Your examples of the tired arms shampooing in the shower and the stairs was VERY poignant for me).
It got me thinking how sad it is — when we were in such a “fog” or “a state” we couldn’t even help ourselves. Our minds were so dilapidated. It became normal in a way. It just makes my heart ache for the many out there sitting down in the shower — barely able to lift the razor to shave their legs and wincing at the cold porcelain tub on their bones. It’s like you go blank.
We never want to go blank again.
Plus food is good.
Thank you so much for this amazing post Amanda. I literally started tearing up while reading it because it resonates with me so much about my past and my own struggles. You always seem to be able to find just the right words for it and bring light and inspiration to anyone still living in that dark place.
Only happy tears allowed! Life is so much better now 😀
Thank you so much for this amazing post Amanda. I literally started tearing up while reading it because it resonates with me so much about my past and my own struggles. You always seem to be able to find just the right words for it and bring light and inspiration to anyone still living in that dark place.
Only happy tears allowed! Life is so much better now 😀
Wow! these posts are great, I love reading them every day 🙂
I love my body because it works harder than I ever could 🙂
Really? ANOTHER amazing post?! Girl, you are on a roll!
Really? ANOTHER amazing post?! Girl, you are on a roll!
I love my body because it allows me to live everyday to the fullest.
I love this post Amanda….very powerful. And that sweet tater looks down right amazing!
I’m honestly really struggling with my body right now for… wel, I don’t really know what reason except it doesn’t look how I want it too and I’m so sick of making myself exercise & eat right that I’ve kin dof gone farther the other direction than I’d like. So I really do like this post.
I’m having more trouble than I’d care to admit finishing that sentence though because I want to love my body for running but my shins may or may not have fractures (I’ll find out monday) and I”m just frustrated in so many ways.
But you are beautiful, your message is beautiful, & thank you for reminding me what I should love about my body & my life
<3
n
I love every word of this post.
I am just so despaired everyday when I see my fellow friends, including those I really care about, falling into the deepness of this disorder.
“You never know what you have until you’ve lost it” – yes. You never know how grateful it is to have a healthy body and healthy motives in your mind.
I just hope not only bloggers, but so many more people read, and knew about this.
Just like Carrie’s post few days ago about osteoporosis, this post is great, and terribly sad at the same time for me.
I love every word of this post.
I am just so despaired everyday when I see my fellow friends, including those I really care about, falling into the deepness of this disorder.
“You never know what you have until you’ve lost it” – yes. You never know how grateful it is to have a healthy body and healthy motives in your mind.
I just hope not only bloggers, but so many more people read, and knew about this.
Just like Carrie’s post few days ago about osteoporosis, this post is great, and terribly sad at the same time for me.
I love this, I love you and I LOVE your foods. Amanda, you are such an inspiration, thank you SO much for all of your amazing, encouraging posts! I know I can always come to your blog for strength if I’m having a bad recovery day 🙂
A-FREAKNG-MEN girl! I could not have said it any better than you.
I love my body because it was able to bounce back from all those years of deprivation, and it’s now as strong and as healthy as ever!
This is the perfect post for me right now. I’m in a hard place where I’m just about to let go of my ED but it’s painful and scary and real. Every moment is a fine line between sickness and health. It scares me sometimes how much I accept my stronger body. The body that can let me run a 5k (I cried after the first mile, having never thought I’d make it), and will probably run more as I continue to feed it macronutrients. While I cannot say I love my body unconditionally, I am working towards loving it and every day I am amazed at the way my feet feel as they hit the floor and the amount of muscle that can push me forward while I step instead of being dragged. I no longer lay awake fearing sleep because I’m unsure if I will wake up or die.
I hope you won’t hate me when I tell you that some days, yes, my plate looks like that veggie plate. It is HARD as you know but I can tell you that I am honest with myself and I know that I DO indeed prefer a sweet potato with nut butter or a nice bowl of oatmeal. As I open myself to others, I need to realize that I need to love myself first before the rest will follow.
I wish you were my good conscience that told me everything would be alright when I was up against something frightening. Perhaps this is why I found your blog. Like you write just for me, because you’ve been here. I someday soon hope to be where you are.
Sorry for the novel, this struck a chord 🙂
Hannah <3
You WILL be here someday, Hannah. I know it seems impossible at times, and there are tonnes of bumps along the way, but soon you’ll be realizing “Hey, I don’t do X anymore”…. “Hey, I’m not afraid of Y anymore”… It’s such a gradual process that we often don’t realize how much progress we’re making, but you’ve already done so many amazing things, and I’ve no doubt that you’ll keep doing so many amazing more 😀
Every time I see that pizza I drool, seriously every time. I think I need some of that for dinner! I love your honesty and amazing posts, thanks so much! One reason I love my body is because without it I wouldn’t be able to hug, and I really LOVE hugs 🙂
Lovely post! I love my body because it tans greatly and lets me cuddle my ratties every day 🙂
Lovely post! I love my body because it tans greatly and lets me cuddle my ratties every day 🙂
I love my body, because it is my channel to every moment of this glorious life.
I love my body, because it is my channel to every moment of this glorious life.
every day ur posts bring a smile to face.im so thankful for that! i love my body for being able to hug others 🙂 eeek i think if i see another salad, dressing on the side ill be sick. life is too short! soo true my luv
Amazing post. 🙂 It’s really great you’re at a place where pizza’s much more appealing than a plate of carrots. 😉 Seriously, been there before with choose carrots over something I’d actually enjoy (even though I still eat a lot of carrots. A lot.)…but it’s much better actually going with what we want. Seriously, we were missing out!!
this is such a beautiful post. it’s too easy to take what we have for granted, but i try to appreciate every single day what i am grateful for. basically; life!
i love my body because it lets me do what i love most – ride and enjoy my horse 🙂
When you wrote this: “Because I never want to go back to that place again… I never want to lay down for the night and wonder if I’ll wake up in the morning. I never want to feel so physically exhausted that I can’t even muster up enough energy to turn over in bed when I feel uncomfortable. I never want to waste my days watching the clock and obsessing about when/what my next meal will be. I never want to feel so depressed and hopeless that I consider taking my own life because I can’t deal with living it any longer.”
oh my god…ijust wrote post myself that mirrors some of those exact. same. things. That is kind of …scary…
like maybe i’ have’t been as honest with myself.
did u ever feel guilty for eating muffins and “junk” while not exercising? I feel different becuz unlike most people I have not and cannot exercise for a longlong time…and I literally spend all my time sitting…no moving or circlation 🙁
My god,Amanda…that is me NOW….right now.
But how…like I never went on those crazy low-cal diets or overexercised.
Amanda, i really struggle now becuz my goal is literally months away (forever)…right now (for months) i can only muster enuf energy to shuffle on a short walk. One of my dotors thinks its my depression instead and that forcing cls etc without hugner is nt necessary….so now i’m all confused.
🙁
Because I keep making myself et. And alot…
alot alot more than the blogger i rcently read did this workout and only ate juic and salad…honest …the guilt and confusion strain me. I tell myself to be more cofident and resilient…but i keep feelig guilty and wondrous instead.
sorry 4 typos…my computer not working right.
I didn’t exercise throughout my recovery, and I know that it seems far away, but there’s an endpoint and as long as you’re making small steps, you’ll get there eventually. If you want to exercise, you have to be healthy. If you want to be healthy, you have to gain weight. If you want to gain weight, you have to eat. So don’t feel guilty for doing something that you need to do.
I love my body because it powered me through a challenging 90 min yoga class today & is getting stronger each and every day! 🙂
Lovely post, Amanda, you are an inspiration for health, happiness & embracing LIFE.
Love this post Amanda. It’s those awful, awful memories that keep me on track as well. Even though I did slip up a couple of weeks ago, the thought that came into my mind was, “screw this! This isn’t going to solve anything.” Because it just doesn’t! It just makes everything so much worse. I am now so grateful that I am able to go out with friends for a meal, have some wine and go dancing without any guilt attached. I never take the laughs I have with my family for granted because I remember a time where I just physically couldn’t laugh. Ugh. I don’t even like to think about a life without laughter…
I love my body because it has always loved me even when I hated it.
xxx
Love this post Amanda. It’s those awful, awful memories that keep me on track as well. Even though I did slip up a couple of weeks ago, the thought that came into my mind was, “screw this! This isn’t going to solve anything.” Because it just doesn’t! It just makes everything so much worse. I am now so grateful that I am able to go out with friends for a meal, have some wine and go dancing without any guilt attached. I never take the laughs I have with my family for granted because I remember a time where I just physically couldn’t laugh. Ugh. I don’t even like to think about a life without laughter…
I love my body because it has always loved me even when I hated it.
xxx
I love my body because it is strong. You are such a beautiful person inside and out and this post was so emotional to me. It truly is sad that we must lose everything before realizing what we have. My body is my temple and I treat it with love and respect. I was never an anorexic but I had serious food issues that I battled with. I use to get up from sitting down and was so dizzy and weak I had to lie down. I couldn’t pick the barbell off the rack…It wasn’t pretty yet I strived to be the thinnest I could be because thin is sexy right? It was dangerous and I’m never putting my body through that torture again. It deserves better. A bowl of oats in the morning with a slab of pb is exactly what it needs 😉
I love my body because it is strong. You are such a beautiful person inside and out and this post was so emotional to me. It truly is sad that we must lose everything before realizing what we have. My body is my temple and I treat it with love and respect. I was never an anorexic but I had serious food issues that I battled with. I use to get up from sitting down and was so dizzy and weak I had to lie down. I couldn’t pick the barbell off the rack…It wasn’t pretty yet I strived to be the thinnest I could be because thin is sexy right? It was dangerous and I’m never putting my body through that torture again. It deserves better. A bowl of oats in the morning with a slab of pb is exactly what it needs 😉
YOU are such a beautiful person, Jenny, and I’m glad to hear that you’re treating your body well these days, because you deserve nothing but the best 😀
LOVE YOU BOTH!!!!
Beautifally written. Just looking at the sweet potato picture is worth every step in recovery 🙂
I love my body because it… RAN ELEVEN MILES FOR ME TODAY! 🙂
There was a day when I would rather have a plate of carrots and broccoli over dense foods. So much so that my skin turned orange from too many carrots, not cool. Thank goodness I’ve come to my senses and can eat that foods that give me energy to be healthy AND happy! Sure there are challenges and struggles, but at least I have the energy now to deal with them, and the happiness to hold on to!
Thanks for this post, it was really a great reminder 🙂 I love my body because it…can be forgiving!
I used to stuff myself with so much broccoli that I was an absolute terror to be around 😉