. exactly who i’m supposed to be .

by Amanda @ .running with spoons. on November 5, 2012

Hey guys!

Well, today marks Day 2 of not getting into bed until 1:30 AM, so I apologize in advance if my writing, in addition to my posting schedule, start becoming a little wonkier. I’m currently working on my second one of these …

… so that should help some. You’d think I’d be far more responsible at this age, but apparently not. I swear it’s like being 16 again – giddiness and all. Before you know it, I’ll be drawing hearts in the margins of all my notebooks and seeing how his last name looks with mine (please tell me you did that too). And no, I haven’t been doing it. And yes, I’ll be sharing more deets in time, but for now let’s just say that things are going very well with Mr. Starbucks ;)

Aaaaaaand moving right along. Breakfast this morning was pretty amazing…

Plain Greek yogurt – banana – strawberries – Kashi Cinnamon Harvest – Puffins – roasted almond butter.

My appetite is still kind of off, but I’m not too worried about it yet. I’m doing my best to get my meals in, even if that means that most of what I eat ends up looking a little bit like this…

Talk about the epitome of healthy, eh? (I’m Canadian… I’m allowed to say ‘eh?’) In my defense, though, I did eat a handful of baby carrots the other day, and maybe even a cherry tomato or two. I think I may even remember seeing a few leaves of lettuce making their way into my day at some point… but that might just be wishful thinking.

Who am I?

A girl who’s remembering what it’s like to live. Who’s remembering what it feels like to completely forget about food and exercise and veggies and whatever else it is that consumed my life for so many years. A girl who no longer feels like the most exciting part of her day is eating a delicious breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack (even though it’s something I still very much appreciate, especially on Sundays when someone else cooks ;) )

One of the prompts for Day 5 of NHBPM was to get up on the old soapbox and rant about some health related issue. I tried, I honestly did – I got one foot up on the box and… that was pretty much it. You guys know how much I love to get a good rant in, but in all honesty, I couldn’t come up with anything today. I even sat there trying to get annoyed (because that’s a completely healthy and sane thing to do), but nope… nothing – not even the slightest eye twitch. It was a bit disappointing, actually. So, instead I’m going to leave you with something that someone said to me recently that more or less rocked my socks off…

… because you are – flaws, mistakes, weaknesses and all. I used to constantly beat myself up over the fact that I wasn’t who I thought I should be or where I thought I should be at a certain point in my life. I should have done that. I shouldn’t have done that. What if, what if, what if… then things would be different.

Except they wouldn’t. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and that as much as we like to think that we’re in control of what happens to us, ultimately we’re really not. Of course we can plan and choose to a certain extent, but life pretty much has the last say – it can change in the blink of an eye, and then all of our meticulous planning was pretty much for nothing. Daunting, but comforting… it kind of takes the pressure off.

So if you’re ever unhappy with the way things are, remember that it’s not something that’s written in stone. Life is fluid – it changes.  The way things are now isn’t necessarily the way things will always be – sometimes we just have to wait it out. But who you are at any given time is who you’re supposed to be. So accept your flaws. Accept your imperfections. Accept yourself.

Oh, and eat your veggie… or at least try to ;)

 

{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Alex @ therunwithin November 5, 2012 at 6:53 pm

well your closing thought relates a lot to my post tomorrow, do you read minds? honestly, I think rants should come when they do, no need to pressure them. all i can say is, I have been in that mindset you closed with. read my post tomorrow and once again you will see how similar we are.
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2 Amanda @ .running with spoons. November 5, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Read minds? I dabble in it occasionally, but I never thought I had much skill. I do look forward to reading your post though :)

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3 Chelsie @ Balance, Not Scale November 5, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Guilty on all counts … staying up late with new heartthrobs, picturing the last name (still haven’t written it down!! #victory!), using eh on a more than regular basis, and saying “you know what, screw the veggies!!”. I’ve spent too many years walking the tight-rope — can’t do this, won’t do that, nonononono. You know what? I’m ready to dive head first off that tight-rope and fall with blissful abandon.
To me, we are healthy, strong, capable and HAPPY!! Is there anything more we can want from life? Nothing that a few more veggies or a few less pounds could ever bring me, that’s for sure. ;)
Yet another rockstar post!! Love it.
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4 Madison @ Pilates Makes You Happy November 5, 2012 at 7:06 pm

This post is so good. So. Good.

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5 Hollie November 5, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Love this. When I was in the deepest of my injury I kept telling myself that nothing was serious and that it would all change eventually and life is full of ups and downs!
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6 Amanda @ .running with spoons. November 5, 2012 at 9:37 pm

You did freakin’ awesome getting through your injury with sanity in tact! Seriously. Such an inspiration <3

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7 debbie November 5, 2012 at 7:22 pm

I remember when I started feeling like myself again. Like food was an afterthought, if anything. It’s around the time I started seeing a certain someone :)
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8 Alexandra November 5, 2012 at 7:26 pm

This post was so so so so so amazing, totally needed to read this! Imperfections ARE beautiful. Heck, freckles ar imperfections and ya know somethin? I LOVE them :) But I love YOU more heehee!
PS– your pics of your yogurt bowls are quite possibly the most amazing, delicious pics EVER. Gosh I wish my stomach could handle greek yogurt, I’d be re-creating those combos 24/7 haha!!
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9 Amanda @ .running with spoons. November 5, 2012 at 9:50 pm

I have to make them look good so they help me forget about my oats!

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10 Cori November 5, 2012 at 7:54 pm

The end of this post was the most appropriate and beautiful thing I could have heard right now. Thank you so much for continuing to inspire Amanda :)

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11 kris November 5, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Every time I read your blog, I get soo hungry! Your breakfast looks amazing. As usual. AND Loving todays topic. Something that we all always need to keep in mind!!
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12 Laura November 5, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Love everything about this post!
Life is beautiful in that something unexpected always seems to pop up and we continue to grow and learn so much more about ourselves.
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13 Amanda @ .running with spoons. November 5, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Exactly! Every time I think I have things figured out, life comes in and knocks me back on my butt. Nice

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14 Chelsea@Ahintofhealthy November 5, 2012 at 8:42 pm

What a great reminder. It feels good to just be happy with who we are right now instead of always looking to the future to the person we want to be. Thanks Amanda!
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15 Sam @ Better With Sprinkles November 5, 2012 at 8:43 pm

How surprised would you be if I told you I love this post? Probably not very, because you know I love them all. :-p

I don’t think anyone’s life ever goes exactly as planned. Hell, there’s dozens of things that have happened to me that I never would have expected – but no matter what’s happened, I’ve learned from it and continued on – just gotta go with the flow!

And yes, eh is 100% acceptable. :-p
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16 Jess November 5, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Love it! You are who you are supposed to be! Just beautiful! So true life is very fluid. And that is wonderful, mostly. So excited about Mr Starbucks! An awesome feeling!!!
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17 Aly November 5, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Just what I needed to hear <3 Thanks for sharing such an honest and true post!

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18 Ashley @ AlmostVegGirlie November 5, 2012 at 10:29 pm

I think it’s completely awesome that you’ve been living life lately, with its late nights and lack of veggies ;) But seriously, though, I’ve been struggling a lot lately with feeling okay with how I’m living my life now. I still have worries about eating healthily enough, planning everything to the last detail…and I’m learning that it’s no fun! I’m in a much better place now than I was a year ago, or a couple years ago, but I know it can only get better from here and I’m kind of excited to take the plunge and just live my life!
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19 Amanda @ .running with spoons. November 6, 2012 at 6:58 am

It takes time. Even when I compare things right now to how they were a year ago, I notice a huge difference. Look back at where you were and see how far you’ve come… Recovery might be gradual, but at the same time I think that’s part of how to make it permanent. Even baby steps add up, as long as you’re going in the right direction :D

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20 Nicole November 5, 2012 at 10:49 pm

You’re lovely. Thank you so much for this.
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21 Khushboo November 5, 2012 at 11:16 pm

For selfish reasons, I am really glad you are doing NHBPM this month, Amanda . Your take on all these topics have been so interesting to read. I love that bit about breakfast,lunch, dinner not being the highlight of your day. It really hit home for me because for a long time, a meal really was something I looked a little too forward to. I still love food but it’s just a part of my world…not my world. And while some days may be filled with amazing food, other days I’ll take what I can get.

Food aside, I want to hear more about the boy!! Hope everything is going GREAT on that front ;)!
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22 Sara @ Nourish and Flourish November 6, 2012 at 12:01 am

Oh Amanda, how do you do it? I REALLY needed this tonight. I’m so grateful to be ending my day–one flecked with more anxiety and stress than I’d like to admit–with this reassuring message! I believe that everything happens for a reason as well, and that there’s purpose (*good purpose*) behind both the sunny moments and the not-so-sunny moments. We may not know what that purpose is right now, but there will be clarity at some point. That faith alone is always enough to bring a smile to my face. Cheers to loving and living in THIS moment. :-D

p.s. I totally tried on crushes’ last names next to mine! No shame. I may or may not still do it. ;)
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23 Amanda @ .running with spoons. November 6, 2012 at 6:59 am

Awwr I hope you’re doing okay, Sara. Thinking of you <3

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24 Lucie November 6, 2012 at 1:17 am

Hey, this is exciting – the insomnia-butterfly-non-veggies-thing! ;-)
Oh yes, I did it EVERYTIME – trying out his last name with my first name. So far I still got my own :-) Such a great post, I love it. Why is it, that we think we should be different than we are or that others are better than us and we wished to be like them? Say THANK YOU instead of ‘What if…’ or ‘I should have, should be…’. So thank you for inspiring us, girl!

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25 Jessie November 6, 2012 at 1:27 am

Ohhh Amanda! God do I love you & your inspiring posts that you post daily (& I can’t forget about your breakfast pictures that make me drool). I can’t tell you enough how happy I am to have “met” you through this wonderful blogging community. Reading your blog every morning truly does start my days off with a smile :)
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26 Amanda @ .running with spoons. November 6, 2012 at 7:01 am

Gush. The feeling is mutual, Jessie <3

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27 Miss Polkadot November 6, 2012 at 2:11 am

Weee, I’m so happy for you, Amanda! Life made sure to send your Mr. Starbucks at just the right time apparently. So awesome you’re just living life the easygoing way right now. Just like you said: The way you and it (life) should be like! Hope life – and Mr. Starbucks – keep(s) treating you well. You deserve it.

The fact you weren’t able to step on the soapbox shows how incredibly happy you are – no need to feel bad :).
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28 Life's a Bowl November 6, 2012 at 3:54 am

I couldn’t agree more with your last tidbit about everything happening for a reason! I’m a firm believer that everything does happen for a reason even if the reason isn’t seen in the moment… Don’t look back, continue to look forward at all of the wonderful things that are ahead of you!
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29 Sara @my less serious life November 6, 2012 at 4:45 am

ah! i love that teenage giddy feeling! and yes, of course i drew all over my notebooks. dying for more details….
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30 lindsay November 6, 2012 at 5:20 am

i’d say youre living pretty well now, freeing! except, you are leaving us hanging here with the guy. Not fair!
But thank you for continuing to pursue who you are because it encourages so many. trust me!
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31 Karla November 6, 2012 at 6:05 am

Ahhh hearts in margins and checking out what my potential last name could change to… Yes… Guilty of that, even at the age of 25 when I met my now husband! :)

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32 Chelsea @ One Healthy Munchkin November 6, 2012 at 6:30 am

You’re such a tease for not giving us any details yet! ;) I’m so happy for you though!

And I love the message of this post. It seems like as humans we’re always chasing after an ideal of who we want to be… but it’s important to be happy with who we are NOW!
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33 Brittany @ GOtheXtraMile November 6, 2012 at 6:44 am

Ooooh girl can’t wait to hear all the details!!! ;D
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34 Shannon November 6, 2012 at 7:10 am

I really enjoyed this. But what hit me hardest was the part about living and no longer making your meals the most important thing. While I like to say mine aren’t I think I am still lying to myself on that front because I still stress about them. I have recently been really busy and life seems to be going to fast to get everything done. I have put too much on my plate and now I am freaking, but I did realize from what you said that if I just live and stop worrying sooooo much about eating that that would be one less thing to take up my mind and maybe that time could be better spent elsewhere. Thanks for making me think this through!
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35 Amanda @ .running with spoons. November 6, 2012 at 8:31 am

Oh girl, you’re definitely not alone on that one. I remember a few particularly bad times when the end of the semester was nearing at school and I had so many projects/essays/exams coming up, that I had no idea how I was going to fit all of my elaborate meal planning/prepping in to my schedule and it was seriously making me go crazy. I know it’s not an easy thing to do, but stop torturing yourself needlessly and let some of the excess stuff go. I can promise you that your body won’t flip out on you for a day/week/month of less-than-perfect eating. It’s more important to be as stress-free as possible than it is to make sure you’re getting all your veggies/protein/whatever in daily.

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36 Danielle @ Clean Food Creative Fitness November 6, 2012 at 7:23 am

Love this! That is so great that you are eating simply what you want and not what you think you “should” eat! Awesome! Dying to hear some more details :)
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37 Kat November 6, 2012 at 7:26 am

When I was fighting my ED in high school I cam up with this quote
“If its our imperfections that make us unique, then why are we trying to perfect our imperfections?”
I think sometimes we expect way more of ourselves than is ever necessary. We just need to be sometimes. Does that make sense? So much overanalyzing and stressing, when really all we need to focus on is being present where we are.
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38 Miss Polkadot November 6, 2012 at 8:53 am

The quote you came up with is great! It’s one I’d print out a million times and spread everywhere.

You’re right: Just being present and not worrying about our “flaws” is so hard.
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39 Meghan @ After the Ivy League November 6, 2012 at 8:29 am

Love this post (nothing new here!) And I love that you’re taking time to live and have fun with Mr. Starbucks, if that means a little less time available for other things then so be it! I’m the first one on board for that (still no posts from me yet this week, eh happens).

I’m especially relating to what you said about how the best part of your day used to be your breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack etc. I was SO in that place a few months ago, the amount of time and energy I put into deciding what to eat and when to eat etc etc was just plain pathetic. I still look forward to a really delicious meal, but come on now, there are more exciting parts of my day than lunch!
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40 Synne November 6, 2012 at 8:37 am

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!! hahaha , im so excited for you, you have so quickly become my faveourite blog, and so I just love hearing about this :D

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41 Brittany @ Itty Bits of Balance November 6, 2012 at 8:38 am

YEY! I love the beginning of new potential relationships– they’re so exciting! Please be sure to share all the juicy deets with us :D
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42 Brittany November 6, 2012 at 9:36 am

Yahoooo I am so jazzed for you and Mr.Starbucks, I love this adorable way of meeting I just can’t get over it! I also love that you just went with the prompt of your post and wrote about what you wanted. Some things just can’t be forced, so thank you for reminding me I am where I am and I am who I am! You rock my world!
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43 Lisa November 6, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Yay! I’m just excited for you. I believe everything happens for a specific reason as well! Even if it takes us a while to realize, eventually we can accept the good that comes (sometimes) from not so nice things. It’s so sad that in my ED days, a happy day would be eating good food and getting in a workout, which in the long run who really cares about. It’s kind of sad if that’s a highlight in my life. I’m learning to overcome those things now, and realize that food is not life. Your blog always makes me smile!
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44 Amanda @ .running with spoons. November 6, 2012 at 3:17 pm

You always make me smile! Us Starbucks girls gotta stick together ;)

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45 Liz (formerly VeggieGirl) November 6, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Can’t even tell you just how much I love this message, Amanda. Thank you for this.

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46 Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table November 6, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I am a HUGE believer in everything happening for a reason. It’s crazy when you get to a point where you can look back and see that if any number of thing had happened differently, you’d be on another path.
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47 Hayley @ Running on Pumpkin November 6, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Once again, I love this post. Seriously girl you are like my yoda. If that even makes sense… I 100 percent agree that we are exactly who we are supposed to be right now and everything happens for a reason. I often used to beat myself up again not doing “what I should be doing” and would compare myself to others who were maybe my same age or my friends. But that is no way too live, and we truly are exactly who were are supposed to be. Also agree with the fact that life is so fluid. If you were to ask me my sophomore year of high school when I was at my lowest point of disordered eating if I would have studied abroad in Italy and enjoyed gelato every day, I would’ve though you were crazy. Life is ever-changing and crazy, but it is damn amazing. I am so happy for everything I’ve been through since it’s made me who I am today, and I am grateful to have met so many inspirational women through blogging.
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48 Gina @ Health, Love, and Chocolate November 6, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Glad to hear things are going well with Starbuck guy. ;-) I am dying over your yogurt bowl picture as usual.
I like that saying because it’s so true that we constantly ask ourselves “what it” but it is important to just be happy with ourselves where we are at right now because we are here for a reason.
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49 Irina @ Chocolatea Time November 7, 2012 at 6:54 am

I forgive you for this wonky posting schedule ;) I’m happy to hear all is going well!

My motto (mantra?) in life is “everything happens for a reason.” It’s something that I firmly believe and tend to live by every day. While some things don’t always have a seemingly obvious explanation at the moment, it’s so so so important to stay in-tune with our pasts. When we take time to look back at past events, the impact that these events had on our lives in the present are usually clearer. Of course we have control over what happens to us, but life has a way of steering us in the “right” direction even when things seem to be crumbling all around us.

Love you and your wonderful, thought-provoking posts!
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50 Heather @ Kiss My Broccoli November 13, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Girl, please! There is NO reason to apologize! You are living life the way it should be lived…in the moment! And if Mr. Starbucks is stealing you away from us every now and then, so be it! I can feel your happiness through your words so he MUST be doing something right…especially if you can’t think of ONE thing to rant about, eh? ;)
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