NEDA week. Thursday. Let’s do this…
1. I really struggled with today’s post (sincerest apologies to anyone who had to listen to me nag about it yesterday). Thursday posts have always been my favourite to write because they let me just talk about whatever randomness happens to be running through my head at the time… but what do you do when you promise to talk about ED-related topics and you never really think about ED-related topics? Well, I guess you talk about that…
2. I started blogging when I was in the darkest depths of my eating disorder (this was long before Spoons). I needed something that would hold me accountable and distract me from my recovery-related anxieties. Back then, every post I wrote focused on my disorder — probably because it was the most salient thing in my life. Over time, those posts became less frequent as I started feeling more and more removed from my disease. I would still write about it occasionally, but I found that it was more for my readers than it was for myself…
3. See, I wanted to help people. Not because I saw myself as an expert or because I thought I had all the answers, but because I was in that same hopeless place where I thought that I would never get better, yet by some miracle, here I am — living and loving life. I can’t necessarily tell you how it happened, because recovery is so different for everyone and I can’t even put a finger on it myself, but I can tell you to never give up hope…
Don’t write yourself off. Don’t try to define what “recovered” means. Don’t set your sights on the end goal, but instead focus on making small improvements every day. It can be overwhelming to look at how far you have to go — take baby steps and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. An eating disorder isn’t a life sentence unless you accept it as such. Your thoughts are a powerful thing…
4. … and so are your words. I never referred to myself as an anorexic — I was a girl (Amanda… hi!) who was struggling with anorexia. See the difference? The first identifies me as my eating disorder, whereas the second lets me keep my own identity and simply states that I’m dealing with a problem. What you say to yourself has a powerful effect on the way you think and act, oftentimes without you even realizing it. You can’t easily let go of something that you see as being a central part of your being, so remember — You are not your disorder; I was never mine. My disease never defined me, it simply robbed me of the things that made me me.
5. What things are those? I’m glad you asked! I’m a girl who loves to snowboard…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because I a) didn’t have the strength or energy, and b) couldn’t handle being out in the cold for long periods of time without parts of me turning blue.
6. I’m a girl who loves to read…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because I was in a constant brain fog and lacked the ability to focus. I would get to the end of a page in a book only to forget what I had read just seconds before.
7. I’m a girl who loves to travel…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because the anxiety of being taken away from my routine and safe foods was more than I could handle. Vacations were such a huge source of stress that I preferred to stay home.
8. I’m a girl who loves to bake…
… which I couldn’t do in my ED because being around food that I wouldn’t allow myself to eat was torture.
9. I’m a girl who loves to play with makeup…
… which I could do in my ED, but I didn’t because I couldn’t be bothered to put extra time into my appearance. I didn’t think I was worth the effort.
10. I’m a girl who… is a whole lot more than a number on the scale, a label on a pair of jeans, a balance of macronutrients, or a certain amount of units of energy burned at the gym.
More places to find me!
E-mail — [email protected]
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