So I’ve been doing a little bit of thinking lately. It happens every now and then – no cause for concern. This is actually something that’s been on my mind for quite some time now, but I just really haven’t wanted to get into it because it’s not exactly the most pleasant of topics. May as well stop putting it off, though, and today seems like as good a day as any to bring it up. Why? Because it’s Tuesday [read: I have no idea].
So we all read blogs, and I can say with 99.9% certainty that we all come across certain things on those blogs that we don’t necessarily agree with. We see people undereating, and we see people overexercising. We see frighteningly thin girls doing hardcore workouts seven days a week, and we see those same frighteningly thin girls restricting ”watching” their intake of carbs, sugars, and fats – oftentimes under rather questionable guises.
Hands up if you’ve ever come across someone whose cooking substitutions are just downright strange. Hands up if you’ve ever come across someone who’s cut out gluten/sugar/dairy/whatever when they didn’t have a medical condition that required that kind of elimination. Now, I know that there are plenty of instances where those claims are actually true, but I also know that for every legitimate claim, there are about ten that aren’t.
Just saying.
So we see people doing all of these disordered things while maintaining the facade that everything is fine, and we… go ahead and pretend along with them. This is where my thoughts start getting a little muddled, so bear with me. Maybe a shot of sugar will help clear my head…
Okay. So we see all these things and we know something is amiss. We want to shake these people and say: ”Wake up! Can’t you see that what you’re doing is wrong?!”… but we don’t. We turn a blind eye to their obviously disordered behaviors, and the comments we leave on their posts (if we leave any at all) err on the side of politeness and propriety, and sometimes even verge into the territory of praise. Why? It’s not an easy thing to watch people engage in self-destructive behaviors, especially if they trigger disordered thoughts in our own minds, but why is it so difficult to call people on those behaviors? I have a few theories.
First, blame Bambi…
We don’t want to be a jerk, and more often than not, telling someone what they probably need to hear makes us look like one. Even when it’s put gently, the truth can be a hard pill to swallow - it’s much more pleasant to live in a world of comfortable delusion than it is to be faced with the reality that you’re doing something wrong. As such, people don’t tend to look favorably on those who call them on their bullsh*t – they prefer those who encourage and support their [bad] decisions. We want to be liked, so we smile, nod, and keep our opinions to ourselves.
Second, is it really our place to say? A blog is just a tiny piece of a blogger’s life, and using such a tiny piece to judge the entire picture is just bad practice. Yes, we can pick up on certain problems that are blatantly obvious, but most things are a lot more complicated than we could ever imagine. Unless I get to know a blogger really well and start engaging with them on a platform outside of simple blog comments, I don’t feel comfortable commenting on their eating/exercise habits. I hate it when people make assumptions about me, so I do my best to practice the same courtesy and not make any assumptions about them; and if I’m really concerned, then I’ll voice my thoughts in a personal e-mail – a comment section just doesn’t seem like the right place for that kind of discussion.
Finally, I think part of the reason we don’t say anything is that there are certain instances where we just don’t care enough to; that, and we don’t feel like our comments will make a difference anyway so we say nice things just to be liked. It sounds cruel, but let’s be honest… Yes, we form close relationships with some of the bloggers whose blogs we read, but for the handful of blends we make, the rest remain more-or-less strangers that we don’t really have any sort of emotional investment in. Would you tell a stranger you met on the street that they look too skinny or too fat? Would you comment on a random person’s choice of entree when they’re sitting at the restaurant table next to you? My guess is probably not. Furthermore, most people know they have some sort of problem, and if they’re not doing something to change it, it’s probably because they’re just not ready to – a comment from a random person on the Internet isn’t going to spur them into action, it’ll probably just make them defensive and angry – so we play nice.
Is that wrong? Is it wrong to see a problem and not speak up? I’m not quite sure. I wouldn’t exactly say that readers have any sort of responsibility when it comes to pointing out a blogger’s questionable habits – after all, the blogger has friends and family that should be playing that part – but at the same time, a gentle “what the heck are you doing to yourself?” can make a person realize that what they’re doing isn’t exactly healthy.
So I’m not sure. It’s a difficult issue to navigate, and I’d love to hear your guys’ thoughts and opinions on the matter. Should we speak up when we see a problem? Or just hold our peace?
{ 141 comments… read them below or add one }
This is a great post and definitely raises a question with no clear right or wrong answer. I guess I feel like the time to speak up is when you have a genuine and respectful relationship with the person. I would never cross my boundaries with someone the first time I read their blog and say, you should eat more, or exercise less. But if I know them, and know that they would appreciate where I am coming from, then I might personally talk to them about it!
Kate @ Quarter Century Southern Living recently posted..Mid-Week Must Haves
That’s exactly how I feel about it, Kate. Honestly, if I was reading someone’s blog for the first time and came across a bunch of things that I didn’t agree with, I would probably just stop reading.
Thank you Amanda for your great post. I think you’re totally right and it’s good that you dare talking about it.
I must admit that I am trapped too… And I came to a sort of conclusion – not a real conclusion because it’s more an excuse than something that comes from a real inner debate : “you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped”. It’s cruel, I know…
Admitting that the blogger and most of his/her readers have “a problem”, it probably won’t change anything – as you already said – to mention what no one wants to know. It might even be worse… ?
Sometimes I feel that people get frustrated and so they stay with the ones “in the same camp” (let’s roughly say health blog community VS GOMI community), which is a little bit sad, isn’t it?
Maybe there’s something to do in joining these people on a third, “neutral” platform… Will come who wants too…
It’s not cruel at all, Karine – you definitely can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, and if you try, you’ll probably just end up worse off for all your trouble.
Good topic – definitely deserves attention. I suppose the “we” depends on the “whom.” I know it would not be so great for me to let someone know I think they’ve crossed the line because I follow Thumper’s wisdom and because I’m pretty non-confrontational. However, perhaps someone else is more inclined to speak up and is also be more inclined to not feel guilty for doing so. I see what you’re saying though, and there’s no easy answer.
Tiff @ Love Sweat and Beers recently posted..This girl walked up to a bar…
Hard question. I can only speak for my part. I would only approach a blogger with my thoughts when I know him/her closer. I think it would appear assumptive if I just shout my opinion in that public space, without anyone asking me for it. All of us are ‘grown-up’ persons and decide ourselves how to live our life and if and how we want to write about it. If the person is asking specific thoughts of her readers, or is outing her fears/insecureness etc. and needs help, then YES. As for me – I know that I am disordered and I hope that it comes across in my blog that I am aware of it and working on it. I never want to inspire somebody with disordered behavior. But I am definitely not YET a very good example, but I am not ‘advertising’ myself like this either. This – ‘ it’s much more pleasant to live in a world of comfortable delusion than it is to be faced with the reality that you’re doing something wrong’ – might be true for some, not for me. I want to know the truth, no matter how hard it is, because in the end it is less hard then when you find out the truth after living in delusion. I had this experience in a vary sad story and I would have been much happier if I’d known the truth right away. If you know the truth you get at least a chance to face it an doing something about it – if it is possible.
Lucie recently posted..Tuesday Recipes – Mom’s original chocolate cake & healthified version
But you ARE a good example, Lucie, for all of the reasons that you mentioned. You’re open and honest, and what’s more important, you’re fighting to get healthier. If that’s not a good example, then I don’t know what is.
That’s really a difficult topic which I already spent quite some time thinking about. Usually when I stumble about a blog which promotes eating or exercise habits that I consider being disordered or the person blogging is scarily skinny and still seems to follow some kind of diet, I just close it and never come again. I know that it would be probably better to give her a hint (I am talking female here, since I never stumbled over a male example of the case). I know that someone should make her realize how wrong she treats herself. But then I am kind of egoistic in thinking that I want to avoid such topics and not get to deep in those struggles I fought myself a while ago. Guess it would be different if I knew the blogger for a while and the disordered eating suddenly comes up. It would still be a difficult topic to talk about, since nobody is perfect and definitely not me… but yeah, I might say something in this case.
I couldn’t agree more with your stance! There are some bloggers who are clearly disordered yet I am more amazed by the comments she receive, which only encourage her behaviour. At the same time I don’t think a comments session is the place to call someone out- it’s hurtful, embarrassing and immature. Getting in touch with the blogger privately shows a genuine sense of concern and may actually hit a note with the blogger in a way that doesn’t come across as accusational. For those bloggers who do show disordered behaviour but I don’t feel like I “know” them well enough, I would either stop reading or take it with a pinch of salt- blogs only paint part of the picture and it’s not fair to blindly call someone out.
Also while it can be argued that portraying disordered behaviour as “normal” is not fair to readers, I definitely think we as readers need to take responsibility too. While blogs are great for so many reasons, individual bloggers shouldn’t be a benchmark for anyone but themselves.
Really great, thought-provoking post, Amanda!
Khushboo recently posted..Changing up my eating style
Great post, Khushboo! People definitely shouldn’t base their views on what makes a healthy life solely on what they find on blogs, but the unfortunate reality is that a lot of people DO. There are so many young and impressionable girls out there who are lost when it comes to how to eat/exercise, so they turn to blogs for an example… and it becomes a big problem when the blogs they turn to portray disordered behaviour as healthy.
I absolutely love you. I think this is a tough topic because on one hand you see someone hurting themselves, and on the other– like you pointed out– it’s not really your place to say anything. I look at some bloggers and wonder how they’re still breathing because some of the stuff they push their bodies to do is just crazy to me. I know I’ve had my fair share of crazy days.. but honestly looking at it… a 4 mile run 2x a week isn’t that bad. Especially when some people do 20+ lol But it was bad for my body, so now I just know to keep my mileage down. I think with women the main thing I’ve seen– and I’ve gone through it too– is the missing period. That’s a HUGE thing when it comes to being healthy, and although I only lost mine for 3 months (which was normal according to my Doctor), it killed me.. I hated it. And I sometimes I just wanna shake some girls who question why they still don’t have it when they’re working out like crazy people. It’s definitely a tough situation, especially when people start eliminating stuff. Some Doctors (like mine) suggest it — but that’s if you go to a doctor lol for me, I’ve always had a dairy thing (I was a soy milk baby lol), and bananas/avocados give me hives lol but that doesn’t mean what my body likes and doesn’t like will work for others.
Rachel recently posted..Times are Changing
I couldn’t agree more – I look at some bloggers and wonder how the heck they do it, and definitely question whether they’re as happy as they pretend to be. The missing period thing seems to be a huge problem in the HLB community, and there are a lot of women who aren’t willing to do anything about it… they don’t think it’s a big deal, and don’t realize how damaging it is to their bodies in the long run
did you read my email? because you just basically wrote the post I wanted to write but had no idea how to say it. I couldn’t agree more to all of these. yes i look I read I literally hate some things I see. Yet is it my place? do I even have the justification to give my opinion? call it out? I think sometimes you want to just let it be, let them play their facade game. I have taken the approach where they need to learn their own lesson, heck when I was my sickest no matter what people said it would spur me on. it wasn’t until I cracked that i realized how freaking sick I was. it is hard to stomach though, I struggle to hold back my thoughts and put on that face when in reality I don’t want to. I want to call them out, i want to help them. Uck sticky ground. Yucky sticky ground
Alex @ therunwithin recently posted..Trade-em Up: Claim Ticket
I remember being completely immune to the opinions of others when I was at my sickest too. Deep down, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t ready to get better. That’s why I think it’s pretty useless to start sh*t when it won’e make a difference in the long run either. You can’t force help onto someone – just be there for them if they come to you for support/advice.
It is really difficult. I myself notice some things from time to time, but very rarely say anything. The only times I have said anything at all is when I personally know the person. But you are right, a blog is only a teeny tiney part of a person and obviously they do not share everything.
I think an email would suffice. Usually when one puts a “pointing things out” comment on a person’s blog it gets blown out of proportion. But even with an email – all the person would have to do is click delete and boom comment gone.
Rebecca@Running.Food.Baby. recently posted..Stir Fry Monday
Ah, yes, such a difficult topic. Thanks for bringing it up, Amanda!
At times I wish I could just stop reading these peoples’ blogs and that’s what I actually do every now and then. But if I like the bloggers in question as they seem to be kind and interesting persons I keep reading for that reason.
Families definitely have a closer connection to these persons but at times I find outside comments can be a good nudge to wake up and see what I’m doing. Anonymus comments on a bloggers eating or exercising habits certainly are more hurt- then helpful. But if true concern is voiced in a friendly way – and, like you said, in a personal e-mail rather than the comment section – I do find it helpful. Being called out in public/internet-wise: in the comments can make one – including myself here – block off and be hurt. Helping and supporting each other is one of the benefits I find in blogging.
What kept me back from mailing others so far was that I’m not recovered myself yet. But that’s what could actually be helpful because it mean I’m not pretending I knew it all. Rather than that I find it helpful to not only point out the other persons “problems” but at the same time admit to mine. Just yesterday I was talking to a blogger friend (um, blend, right
?) about our issues with eating and we were making suggestions to each other on how to change things. It’s this mutual support that I think can help.
Phew, sorry for my blabbering. Now mail me some of those mint chipits, okay?
Miss Polkadot recently posted..Loving a laid-back Birthday [week]
Ugh. Anonymous comments are the worst. I can’t even begin to try and understand why people won’t own up to their opinions and hide behind anonymity instead – comments like those definitely aren’t made with good intentions in mind. And I don’t think you have to be fully recovered and perfect to contact someone who is struggling at all! Like you said, it’s the mutual support that can end up being so valuable.
A very tough and very timely topic. The world of “healthy living” blogs has been in a downward spiral for a while now, and people are finally starting to open their eyes and speak up about it. What bothers is me the most is when someone who is clearly disordered makes claims to be an “expert” or a “coach” for others. It is blatant negligence and completely unacceptable. Those are the people who can and should be “called out,” though most of them (and their readers) are so brainwashed that it does little good. I do think it’s important for readers to realize that the behavior is NOT healthy and shouldn’t be emulated, even if the person who’s writing isn’t at a place yet to see it in herself.
Amanda this really is a great post and something that has been on my mind a lot lately. Whether we’d like to admit it or not when we read blogs everyday they become our norm. So it’s scary to me to think that someone may be reading some of these blogs and thinking that working out 7 days a week or counting calories even though you are underweight or within a healthy weight is totally normal. I also have to agree with on the question of when it is appropriate to voice your opinion. Some blogs I have just stopped reading because I didn’t necessarily agree with the way they were going about things but at the same time I do feel bad to judge because it is virtually impossible to really know what’s going on. Bottom line it’s definitely an uncomfortable topic for many and one with a lot of grey area but I think it is so awesome that you are addressing it! Well done
Danielle @ Clean Food Creative Fitness recently posted..Perfect Paleo Meatballs
“when we read blogs everyday they become our norm” <– absolutely love that, Danielle! So, SO true. The HLB community is completely different from the real world, and when we spend such a long time reading blogs, we tend to forget that the majority of people don’t live that way.
This reminded me so much of Alex and Chelsie’s post today. I think you said it SO WELL. It’s really hard to separate what’s appropriate and what isn’t and where that line lies. I definitely have gotten to the point where i read some blogs and roll my eyes. I can’t do anything about it because a lot of times, that concern you express just fuels it even more. I don’t agree with a lot of the fads bloggers follow. I’m openly against them. It’s so awkward to approach people about that sort of thing but the fact of the matter is, a lot of bloggers have been in those shoes and can see right through the b.s for lack of a better term. You hit the nail on the head.
Sarah @PickyRunner recently posted..Solid Effort
AWESOME post Amanda! You are so right! I keep gravitating towards certain blogs wanting to see them change, but it sadly never happens. It’s a very tough topic to cover, because as bloggers we also control what we want others to see, we could be living completely different and no one would have any clue. People could always say they are exercising x amount and not, or the same with eating. But, I do think bloggers do have to be semi appropriate about what they post, like not influencing people to eat low calorie amounts and exercising hours a day. I also hate when people post their calorie burns on HR monitors, I guess it’s because its a trigger for me, ah tough thinking. And now I’ve just rambled forever;)
Lisa recently posted..Perfectly Imperfect
Ohhh man. Don’t even get me started on the recent explosion of HR monitor pictures. That’s been something that’s been driving me insane for a while now. Ain’t no one need to see that sh*t!
Im not really the kind of person to speak up when it comes to other peolples blogs…we read their blogs because we like them, all for diff reasons so if we dont like something then I dont think its really our part to say…IF it was me I would prob keep my thoughts to myself
Giving tips here and there I beliecve is OK…I think it just depends on the topic also!
Sara @ fitcupcaker recently posted..Paleo Sunshine Muffins & A Healthy Breakfast
That is definitely a fine line that all active bloggers have to walk. How much is saying too much? How much is saying not enough? I think you made some incredible points and really opened up my mind to a lot of “unhealthy” blogs and how to comment on them.
Liv @ Life As Liv recently posted..I’m Baaaaaaack!
This is EXACTLY what’s going through my mind when I read or come past several blogs !! Just a couple of months ago I approached a colleague on that (that I get along really well with!). We talked, she told me about her workouts (I cannot miss a workout, I’d blow up etc) and her eating habits (I just can’t have that chocolate, I step on the scale at least twice a day and I think about the amount of food I eat – to sum up her comments- ). And in my mind a little siren went off. If you’ve experienced disordered thinking (I had it around six ears ago), you recognise those little thoughts when you come across them again. I gently reminded her that this is not healthy thinking, that I know what I am talking about, that I am there for her and – even though she might not believe it right now – those thoughts will disappear and it IS possible to eat food, enjoy chocolate, enjoy exercise and rest and not judge oneself. She was not offended and I hope it has helped her.
I think especially because the blogsphere is such an anonymous space, it’s a lot harder to approach the person in a manner that’s best for them ??
You’re right, girl! It’s a lot harder to comment on a blogger’s life because of the anonymity involved. Friends/colleagues that we can talk to face to face are one thing, but offering advice as a mysterious voice behind a computer screen? Usually doesn’t go over so well…
THIS! omg. so true.
What a very interesting and thought-provoking post! I think it certainly depends on the blogger with who one is talking about in regards to whether you should “speak up.” We each develop more personal relationships with some bloggers than others, so being open and honest with the bloggers that we are closer to would prove to be easier. It is also important to keep in mind the personality of the blogger. Some bloggers are more open to advice/constructive criticism than others, and some may take a personal concern as an attack. Therefore, I think that how one approaches this type of situation depends largely on who the subject at hand is.
Did that make any sense at all??….who knows!
Hannah @ CleanEatingVeggieGirl recently posted..Two-Ingredient Taquitos
Personally, it pisses me off when I come across bloggers who are like the ones you describe. I feel like if you are going to publicly blog about your life, especially in a”healthy living” community, you have an obligation to do so in a healthy manner. Making your blog public opens it up to any and everyone who can search on the internet. We often hear celebrities say they don’t want to be role models but the truth is, when you are putting yourself out there for everyone to know you, there is little choice in the matter. Sure, we should think before we speak but people should also think before they they post publish.
Personally, I just don’t follow bloggers who I feel are not authentic and actually leading a healthy lifestyle. I read blogs for health info and entertainment and when I get irritated reading one, I just choose to not check back in with that person.
Suzanne @ Fit Minded Mom recently posted..Where I lost my Trader Joes Viriginity
Very true, Suzanne! And I’m totally feeling your frustration. The problem with the blogging community is that any old person can start a blog… they don’t need credentials, knowledge, or expertise… they just sign up with Wordpress or Blogger and poof – they can share their life with anyone who will listen. Readers definitely need to be aware that what they see on blogs isn’t the be-all-end-all, but unfortunately a lot of readers themselves are kind of lost when it comes to what makes a healthy lifestyle
You have just said exactly what I’ve been wanting to say for sometime…and I definitely could not say it as well as you have! So thankyou <3 I've actually been texting with a fellow blogger friend of mine who I am best friends with in real life about this very thing because we can both understand the topic I suppose. Now if I saw anything on her blog, of course I would say something because I also know her history, her life currently and things that are going on that might affect how she's living. That saying, I also know from her blog that it doesn't show the full picture because I've seen how she lives and I think that's true with a lot of blogs, like mine. I don't show 90% of what I eat and 90% of how I exercise and live everyday because well..I'm just too busy getting on with life! So if someone jumped down my throat at how they *thought* I was living then I would have a lot to say back because I know I am healthy, I eat what I want, when I want and don't consider my behaviours disordered and neither do any of the *normal* people I hang around everyday with!
When it comes to blogs that are obviously disordered or doing things that just aren't helping themselves…well if they continue to bother me over a long period of time, I will simply stop reading. There are few blogs like that right that now for me..they used to be good but then they've changed and become quite disordered and I feel sad for them because they think that they're becoming a better person when in fact they are only blind to the fact that they are denying themselves of really living. I want to say something but I guess I'm scared to be that person that they have a go at, given my history of an ED anyway, even if they know I am right…
Nicky recently posted..The Week That Was
I think one of the main reasons that some people tend to leave negative comments on the limited info they see on blogs is because they’re projecting their own problems onto the blogger. If they have a problem with something like undereating or being afraid of certain foods, seeing a blogger do anything remotely close to that will raise a huge red flag in their minds. I know that when I was deeper in my disorder, I used to see problems EVERYWHERE, but now that my mindset is a lot healthier, how others eat doesn’t really bother me.
Great post! I know this isn’t the right approach, but when I see “disordered” behavior on a blog, I tend to not read it. Part of me knows (as a fellow blogger) that what we see is just a small glimpse into the person’s life (as you mentioned). And the other part of me sees what happens to people when they do try to make a constructive comment – all kinds of craziness ensues. I just hope and pray that someone in that person’s life does something if needed (a parent, sibling or close friend). But I honestly think you’ve touched on a very pertinent topic, as from what I’ve been seeing lately, there are more “disordered” bloggers out there than not.
Parita recently posted..Simplifying the Grocery Shopping Process
I actually think that’s one of the best approaches. If I see a blogger regularly displaying behaviors that I don’t agree with, I don’t read. I know none of my comments will make any difference, and you’re right… it only results in all sorts of craziness.
Wow you really took the words out of my mouth with this post. I always debate writing posts on this subject but you have such a way with words and expressed my thoughts so thoroughly that I don’t think I even have to! I’ll just refer people to this post lol! Anyways I completely agree with everything you’ve said here….and I am in the same boat as you with not knowing how much or how little to say. You are so right that blogging only gives us slight insight into a persons life and that I wouldn’t want Someone judging me based on what I share on my blog….but sometimes it is just SO CLEAR that someone is self harming and unhealthy. But again is it really our place to comment? You would hope that if its that obvious through the Internet that someone in their personal life would be aware as well. But I guess you never really know! One thing I don’t like is how defensive some people get when you make a comment that is thoughtful and constructive, and yet they act like you verbally attacked them! It’s one thing if ur being flat out rude but being respectful in a comment shouldn’t be met with such anger!
Anyways, amazing post! You are a fantastic writer and have a wonderful expressive voice.
Kaila recently posted..Superbowl Shenanigans & Weekend Scenes
Yeah people tend to get super defensive… no one likes to hear that they’re doing something wrong
as usual, you touch on everything i’m thinking recently in your post. i agree with you completely on seeing things and not know what the right way to say something is, or even if saying something at all will help. i’m trying to think back to the times where i felt most “disordered” or out of whack and what really helped me was realizing that i was missing out on the stuff that life is about. lots of people tried to say things to me but didn’t know how and all that did was make me really defensive. so i also don’t say anything…i read in silence. lots of times i don’t read at all because it either triggers me a little to see it or it downright pisses me off. oh, you’re confused as to why you’re tired or hurt all the time? maybe it’s because your calorie intake is dwarfed by the amount you burn on 12 mile unnecessary runs. i don’t know how to say that politely, so i just don’t say anything at all. and yet i remain frustrated and worried because believe it or not, i CARE a lot about these blends i’ve made and when i see them in these (what i view as) destructive patterns, it worries me to no end. blah. confused.
molly @ heart, sole & cereal recently posted..2013 kitchen goals
I know what you mean. You could always try to drop small, helpful ‘hints’, like… maybe you could try having a snack, or maybe you could try resting a bit… If that doesn’t take, then all you can really do is be there to give support and advice when they ask for it.
Now this is something I’ve been wondering about for awhile. And I have yet to come to any conclusion ha. I think if I’ve been getting to a know blogger for a little and have some concerns after doing so, I might address them in an email. Comments seem too impersonal to me for something like that. I make sure that I have specific reasons for my concerns, too, so that when they ask why I’m concerned, I can specifically show them/reminder them what has raised some red flags/questions. I agree with you 100% about the fact that if they aren’t ready to hear it/make the changes, any concern you raise isn’t going to be well received. It makes me sad, but there’s nothing you or I can do if that’s the case. Hard but also important to keep in mind so that you don’t blame yourself and get on an unhealthy/safe path yourself.
Caitlin recently posted..The Lovely 14 Survey
Very interesting food for thought. It can be pretty tough, even outside of the blog world, to call someone on something that person is doing wrong. It takes guts, but if it’s something that’s truly harming a person, I think it could be worth it to speak up.
Lisa @ Lisa the Vegetarian recently posted..On A More Serious Note
‘Would you tell a stranger you met on the street that they look too skinny or too fat? Would you comment on a random person’s choice of entree when they’re sitting at the restaurant table next to you? My guess is probably not. ‘
The problem with this idea is that strangers are not projecting an image of themselves and their lives towards potentially vulnerable people. Strangers do not have a blog that, sometimes by implication, covers their state of emotional wellbeing and lifestyle, to the point whereby it suggsests very strongly that they are not damaging themselves, they are not disordered, and in fact they are impossibly thin, lean, muscular people who do not have to sacrifice their health to be that way. The truth suggests quite the contrary. Readers ARE responsible for the blogs they choose to follow but there is a compulsive element in reading blogs, particularly those we know are not good for our mental health but cannot stop using as an excuse to beat ourselves up for being big, fat failures by comparison (not that I know anything about that, of course…)
I find it ironic and intensely uncomfortable when posts like this are written and some of the responses are from the very bloggers guilty of some of the self-harming aspects you’re pointing out (just saying…) Awkward, much?
I think this is a very well written post but at the same time I think perhaps you have a few blind spots simply because you are too nice. I’m not, on the other hand – I will state my opinion in the comments section if I think someone is lying through their teeth. Half the time it will not get published. However, readers need to know that there are voices of dissent out there. If there are no negative comments, then readers will believe everyone endorses what ‘the Blogger’ is doing and private e-mails may be more sensitive but they do nothing to question the damaging image these bloggers project of themselves.
People need to learn that they cannot be some kind of health/fitness guru while clearly looking neither healthy nor fit. I have no problem if people acknowledge their behaviours (Hell, I’m no model of health and I accept my ‘disordered’ habits, but I’m not going to change the ones I see as positive) but constantly posting about one thing and then continuing with the same old habits, the juxtaposition sometimes evident within a single post? I’m never going to shut up about that, because it is absolutely infuriating. My remarks don’t come from a place of care for the blogger, they derive from caring more for the readers that said bloggers blatantly do not give a sh*t about so long as they can Instagram themselves all day and ‘sweat pink’ or whatever the Hell it is they do.
Oh, and if Thumper was real I think I’d have to run him over, despite being vegan. That obnoxious rabbit deserves to die
ಠ▃ಠ
Please don’t kill Thumper. 0_o
Missy recently posted..Atypical Tuesday – Food and Fashion
Perhaps I have found my true calling as a future Disney villain
“I find it ironic and intensely uncomfortable when posts like this are written and some of the responses are from the very bloggers guilty of some of the self-harming aspects you’re pointing out” <– This. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
And you’re right. A big problem with blogging is that anyone can be a blogger – no credentials, expertise, or real knowledge needed. I can handle someone struggling if they own up to it. I can’t handle the people who pretend to be fine when they’re clearly not.
“I find it ironic and intensely uncomfortable when posts like this are written and some of the responses are from the very bloggers guilty of some of the self-harming aspects you’re pointing out.” <– This x 2.
Chelsea @ One Healthy Munchkin recently posted..Bolognese sauce success
I was JUST thinking THE EXACT same thing!!!
Chelsie S recently posted..Feb 4th
Yes!!!!! I love that you pointed this out. Most of the bloggers that have commented on this post are guilty of the exact things that they are commenting about and what this post is about. I’m so happy someone finally said something.
Like many of the other commenters, this is something I think about a lot in relation to healthy living blogs and the HLB community in general. I really think you hit on something important in saying this: “Would you tell a stranger you met on the street that they look too skinny or too fat? Would you comment on a random person’s choice of entree when they’re sitting at the restaurant table next to you? My guess is probably not.” Ultimately, I think that’s what it comes down to. I think people in general–not just bloggers–have a hard time realizing that the Internet is the real world. We talk about it like it’s not–”Oh, I only know her through her blog. We’ve never met IN REAL LIFE.”–but the thing is, this is real life. The people who post things on blogs are real people with real feelings and real problems and real emotions, and just because you can’t see a person’s face when you’re on the Internet doesn’t make it okay to treat them in a way you would never dream of treating a person “in real life.” By that same token, being behind a computer screen doesn’t give you an excuse to not confront someone the way you WOULD confront them in real life if you thought they had a problem. If one of my closest friends seemed to have a problem, as her friend, I would feel responsible for mentioning it and encouraging her to seek help in whatever way possible. It wouldn’t be okay for me to sit back and assume someone else was going to deal with it, because if everyone thinks that, no one does anything.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is that if you see a blogger that you do consider yourself to be close to, someone that’s important to you not just from a oh-I-like-her-blog place but from a I-care-about-her-as-a-person place, then you should do what you can to guide that person towards help. If it’s someone you barely know–the theoretical person next to you at the restaurant with the questionable entree–that’s a different story.
Bethany @ Accidental Intentions recently posted..Kitchen Adventures
The degree of relationship definitely seems to be the deal-breaker in this case. I consider blends real-life friends, but until I’ve known them and read their blogs for a little while, I don’t feel comfortable offering them any advice.
I don’t find myself reading many blogs where the blogger is doing anything excessively unhealthy. I tend to stick to running blogs, everyday blogs, and vegan/good looking food blogs. I have noticed some blogs that fit these descriptions, but I don’t comment or put my two sense in. I also don’t find myself coming back for more to read. I don’t feel it’s my place at all in most situations to comment on how they eat or move. I think you said it perfectly, we don’t know the rest of their life, we don’t know what they do and don’t do. I’d rather not stir the pot without all the facts. It’s a tough one, but I think that if you feel the need to speak up doing so in an e-mail is perfect!
Brittany recently posted..Cravings
Fab , thought provoking post, per usual. I agree with it all
.
‘ Would you go up to a stranger in the street and tell them they look too skinny or fat?’… A certain chick in Starbucks should maybe read this & take note.
Xxx
As usual such a great and well thought out post. I have actually come into this a lot in the last two months, I’m not sure if I started to read a lot more blogs or just read more closely. I don’t know-I don’t feel like it’s my place in a public forum to call them out because like you said, would it really be beneficial for anyone? Would they listen to me? The bloggers I feel most comfortable talking to are (normally) ones I’ve met in real life in have deeper connections with. And I have talked to them.
It isn’t like any blogger protreys their exact life either. Some one may just be showing a little bit of what they eat. And also some are so unaware of what they are doing. I’ve sent an objective email before stating something along the lines of I’m a bit worried about you…x,y,z…was it my place? maybe…maybe not. But they were so unaware of what was going on, they didn’t want to believe me. I guess as you said I often feel like sending an email is great and I’d love if it worked but I think it’s so hard when you all you see is a bit of piece of their life.
Hollie recently posted..Running Q&A Part 1
So…to quote you on my post today: “You’ve proven that it’s clearly possible to fall more in love with someone”
— right back at you!
I’ve discussed before how I feel about bloggers who portray some clearly unhealthy lifestyles as normal and healthy. While I may comment about it on my blog (and do a vlog on it, apparently) and talk about it in private conversations with people, I do have trouble approaching people with my concerns.
Yes, I do want to be liked and don’t want to rub people the wrong way, but really, it’s just hard to approach someone in this forum. For one thing, I see a lot of bloggers just refuse to publish comments or immediately delete any that question their lifestyle. It’s easy to shrug of the people that question them as “haterz” and take a “you don’t know me!’” sort of approach. It leaves me in a weird situation where I don’t know if there’s any point bringing it up to them at all.
Sam @ Better With Sprinkles recently posted..Rebellious.
I’m in the same boat – I just don’t see any benefit to bringing things to their attention, since most of the time they’re not willing to accept it. I’d definitely never turn away anyone who was looking for help or support, but I’m not going to try to force it on them if they’re not interested.
This is a really great post Amanda!! You raised so many good points. I have mixed feelings about whether or not us readers should speak up or not when we see a problem. On one hand, I think it is not our place to judge, because like you said, we don’t see the whole picture. We only see what the blogger wants to show us. Also, if we don’t like what we see on a blog because we see it as disordered or triggering, we can just stop reading it. No one is forcing us to read blogs.
On the other hand though, I know for a fact that a lot of readers (like myself) have suffered/are suffering from an ED. When you are in recovery, it is very easy to be triggered by the blogs we read. Since the bloggers know that their readers have issues with food, I think they have at least a little bit of responsibility, and they should be careful of what they write. In my case, even though I know some blogs are disordered and triggering, I have some weird fascination with them. I can’t stop reading them even though I know they are a bad influence. And I let them influence me and my choices, even though I know it’s wrong. But I am just not strong enough.
Oh how I wish that more bloggers would realize what kind of effect they have on their readers. If you’re putting your life out there for the public to see, you need to be aware of the fact that you DO have an influence on people, whether you realize it or not. The sad thing is that a lot of people who display disordered habits don’t even see them as disordered, and thus don’t see themselves as a negative influence
I try to be extremely honest with myself when I’m posting because I know it can trigger a random blogger who happens to stumble upon my site. I will call myself out on how disordered and weird my eating style is at the moment. I would LOVE to take part in WIAW but I just cannot because I know the things I eat should not be a “model” for someone else. It’s an odd mindset when you know what you’re doing wrong and do not fix it. It’s the biggest issue with disordered eating… To make the change yourself. And you’re absolutely right, complete strangers commenting on a post will not make the individual change. Also, it can trigger certain things but I believe the “wake-up call” comments are needed sometimes because EDs do throw a blanket over your eyes.
Lauren recently posted..More Chips Than Doritos
Beautifully written! I wrote a post about body image the other day and I feel like this topic has been coming up a lot lately. We can’t change everyone, but I agree, it’s important to keep an eye out for disordered behaviors. I’m by no means a health or fitness expert and I have a TON to learn, but I do know enough to know when someone is doing too much or too little. Great post! (And I’m not saying that just to be nice
)
Rachel @ Undercover Diva: A Sitcom recently posted..Super Bowl Sunday: Vegetarian Style
It’s an interesting debate. In real life I’m a bull in a china shop when it comes to tact. I’m one of those overly honest people that blurts out thoughts that would be better kept to myself. So consequently, I say nothing to people I don’t know anymore. It’s much too easy to offend when you don’t mean to and really, at the end of the day, people don’t like being judged. Whilst I’m sure emails and comments are made in good faith and borne out of concern, they can be construed as assuptive and I work on the policy that if you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, don’t say it in writing.
But communicating over a medium like the Internet doesn’t allow you to say something to someone’s face
But you’re right… a lot of things can be misinterpreted when you aren’t there actually talking to a person.
Completely. If something is really, really grating, I figure I’m doing us both more harm than good by continuing to read. If something is generally okay, but like you say, recipes have excessive,bizarre substitions, I generally just don’t comment.
What I don’t like is the decisive terms people use -vegans, gluten-free, sugar-free, paleo blah blah…Healthy eating really is just making sure you get enough of what makes you feel good and avoiding too much of what doesn’t. Basically, does your diet let you ever have an odd peice of cake, without irretrievably breaking some rule or other? Because if not, it’s getting a bit unrealistic and probably more difficult to follow than it’s really worth. And it’s so frustrating to see that applauded.
LIKE LIKE LIKE!!!
Oh my goodness Amanda, this is exaccctllly what I’ve been thinking about lately! I know that many times I catch myself not wanting to assume that they’re struggling inside, simply because I don’t know them in person and I think their dedication to healthy living is awesome (from what I can see)~and other times I feel like YES, this is NOT SAFE and I want to speak up. I always want to speak up in those times, but sometimes I feel like praying for the individual is faaaaaarrr more powerful than me saying something! Because I’m sure that 100s of people have already commented, sent emails, etc. and even then they haven’t considered others’ concerns. And then there are those times when yes, we should say something but there’s a way to do it–and it should be more private, without humiliating that person. It’s a very difficult topic and I’m glad you brought it up! If someone saw things about me then I’d want them to point it out, BUT be as gentle as possible. No one likes to be corrected, but we all need it from time to time. Even God disciplines those whom He loves.
Ellie@Fit for the Soul recently posted..Keep Calm and Enjoy Life
Praying for them is a beautiful way to approach it, Ellie. It’s all in God’s hands anyways
Wow, this is a toughie…..I know people mention these “type of bloggers,” and it seems like I just don’t follow them. I can think of one in particular who might fit this bill- but i”m not naming names- but really just that one, and I chose not to follow her “tips.” I do know this, when I first developed my ED and was very thin, a girl approached me at the gym one day during college. I had had a class with her years prior, but didn’t really know her. She said something because she had been in treatment for one. At the time, I didn’t want to see or admit to myself that I was headed down a bad road, and never thought it would become what it did. But I didn’t listen. I said thank you, but no thank you. I can’t say that affected my road to recovery, in fact things just got worse from there. But I still remember it clearly. I guess I just tend to read blogs that support ideals that I feel are healthy- moderation, balance, and strength.
Cassie @RedLetterDaye recently posted..MIMM: Moe., Puppy Bowls, and Trader Joe’s
I write, share and admit openly about my struggles with eating dis-order on my blog (but not everything) so this may be a different circumstance but I REALLY appreciate when people question me on something, call me on potential BS…etc. But I already know and admit I have issues. A hefty amount of self doubt and second thinking are healthy as my disorder deceives me sometimes. It’s nice to have friendly kicks in the azz and the occasional “Girl? Check Yo Self.”
Even when they ate not that friendly — I really appreciate them.
So – What I am saying is I think it is VITAL to try and at least delicately say something if the blogger has openly struggled in the past. Otherwise? It’s a tough call.
Missy recently posted..Atypical Tuesday – Food and Fashion
I really appreciate people calling me on my sh*t too, but not everyone shares that mentality and they tend to go on the defensive whenever their habits are questioned
Truth!… and I for sure know I am an anomaly.
It’s all rather complicate and all -ALL- of the points you made above are valid and…the truth!
This post answers the question that many probably wonder….”Why doesn’t anyone “see” this as not good or “say something” and the truth is it IS complicated and not just that everyone who comments are just vapid.
I should mention that on record I don’t see anything worrisome in most blogs I read — but there are two or three I get worried.
I do love the praying bit mentioned above.
Missy recently posted..Atypical Tuesday – Food and Fashion
I think this is definitely a topic that’s on everyone’s minds. Personally, I choose to just stop reading a blog that I can’t support, no matter how much I like her personality. I think that’s the best way we can “speak our minds” since actually saying something would probably result in the blogger being defensive and upset. And like you mentioned, what is it really going to do and we don’t see everything, we just see what they put on their blog. If someone really has a problem, I’d hope that their family would recognize it and step in.
There was one thing that I didn’t agree with on your post – you said in reference to cutting out certain food groups: “Now, I know that there are plenty of instances where those claims are actually true, but I also know that for every legitimate claim, there are about ten that aren’t.” How do you know that? As someone who has IBS and intolerances and has been cutting out foods (mostly gluten and soy – and then certain veggies that upset my stomach), I’ve come to learn that everyone’s digestive system is different and changes throughout their lives, you can’t just assume that 9 out of 10 people are doing it “just because.”
9/10 may have been an exaggeration, but I’ve come across way too many instances where the person openly admits to cutting out food groups simply to restrict, all the while labelling it a sensitivity. I’m no stranger to eliminating foods from my diet because they cause me problems – God knows I suffer enough stomach woes – but when a person admits to it after the fact, you can’t really argue with that.
I’m on my way to class right now and I have so much I could say on this topic, so I’ll save it for a rainy day. I skimmed some of the comments and I’m happy to share the same views as many of you! The short version of my spiel: I read a post today that is pretty much the exact OPPOSITE of the discussion you’re trying to start and it was terribly disturbing. I believe that by reading blogs/making pointless comments that perpetuate these “issues” we are doing much more harm to them (and the entire blog community) than good.
I think the best thing to do if you’re THAT concerned is send the personal e-mail. At least it won’t be spewed to the public. Also, I think all of it is the tone of delivery. HOW you voice your concern. In other words, are you saying mean and hurtful things like, “Just go eat a cupcake!” or “I noticed you haven’t been eating as much lately. Or so your blog leads me to believe…I’m just a little concerned…” I’ve had people do the first of the two deliveries and it only led to me basically disowning them as family/friend. There is a BIG difference between loving concern and being mean/embarassing someone in front of others. It’s a tough call…I think if you know them well/feel comfortable shoot the e-mail. Otherwise, don’t say anything and if it bothers you stop reading the blog (sometimes unsaid things can be eyeopeners to people too…like a gradually declining audience to your blog).
I’ve only been reading your blog for a little while, and I don’t have the time to comment often, but every post I read here strikes a chord with me. Your blog is fantastic and I love the way you discuss important issues so openly.
This is definitely something I think about a lot when considering the healthy living blogworld. I am so so tired of seeing people cut things out for no REAL reason. I have a friend who genuinely has coeliac disease, as in the went to hospital and had the test, as in she spends all morning throwing up if she ingests a breadcrumb the size of my thumbnail, as in it stunted her growth as a child, as in it was passed down to her genetically! That is real allergy to gluten, not you get bloated sometimes and jumped to that conclusion. I also have a friend who has type 1 diabetes, the other day she said she could never go on any type of restrictive diet as constantly dealing with her blood sugar levels makes life annoying enough. These are people who have real reasons for making huge dietary changes and restricting food types.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that most other people are necessarily doing it ‘just because’ but unless you went to the hospital for a diagnosis, you probably got it wrong. One of the worst things about the internet is the rise in self diagnosing. My chronic pain consultant hates the fact that now we all just look up conditions online, think we match a lot of the symptoms, decide that’s what we have, start self-medicating and experiencing all of the other symptoms by placebo…
Sorry for the rant, I just think you raised a really important topic as people writing about their restrictions can encourage younger, more impressionable readers to do the same, which can be dangerous.
Glad you wrote this post!
Sophie @ Love Live & Learn recently posted..Currently…
Self-dagnosis is definitely a danger, especially when taken too far. I don’t have a problem with people experimenting with their diet to see what makes them feel the best, but as long as it’s done with a genuine desire to be healthy as opposed to a misguided belief that it will help them keep their weight in check.
I couldn’t agree more with this post. I have actually had to stop reading certain blogs because of this. I really like the idea of sending a personal e-mail. I always feel bad for bloggers when they are left with very hurtful comments. Like what you said “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”
Molly@This Life Is Sparkling recently posted..Dream Job
I’m really glad that you brought this up. I usually just don’t comment if I see something that is totally disordered on a blog. If it were a close blend, I might send them a text and make sure they are alright, but I have never needed to do that.
However, as a blogger, I also worry about how my own blog can be perceived. What seems like a step towards recovery for me, may be taken the wrong way by someone else. Also, I may not know if something I am talking about on my blog seems disordered. Remember, I have had this problem for a long time and even though I have been making improvements, I am far from perfect. I try to be as good an influence as possible, but I would appreciate it if someone told me the truth if I posted something that was potentially triggering. Please know that you can speak up to me if my blog ever seems off. I know that you are caring and respectful and would never give criticism unless it was very necessary. Chances are, if something seems wrong, it’s something I need to hear. Can I send you my cell phone number over email? I love getting texts from blends and if you ever have something you want to say outside of the comments section, I am 100% open to hearing it
Devon @ Health in Equilibrium recently posted..freEDom: What is Recovery?
I think that people are generally more understanding when a blogger openly admits to struggling or being in recovery from an eating disorder. It’s those who struggle while pretending that they’re perfectly fine that are the biggest problem. And of course you can
This is an interesting topic and I think there’s fine line between speaking up out of genuine concern for another person, and having our own buttons pushed and saying something because of that. There are a lot of bloggers who I’ve communicated with outside of the comments section, and who I think are great women, but there are times when I’ve been triggered by their content and have to stop reading for a while. However, when I get triggered, I’ve realized that more often than not it’s because I have an unresolved issue that needs to be worked through, or I just have a different view about what constitutes healthy behavior and what doesn’t. If it’s one of my closer blogger friends and I got concerned about their safety and health, I would send a private email showing my support. It’s a tough call though, because I know there are blogs out there that blatantly discuss ED symptoms with pride and that’s a tricky situation because I just feel sorry that they are in that mindset, but grateful that I’m not anymore.
Alex @ Raw Recovery recently posted..It’s Nothing Personal (Part of the Missing Link Series)
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately too. There are a few bloggers who I really think need a gentle wake up call… but I’m too nervous to be the person to do it. But if I really don’t agree with a blogger, I don’t comment on their blog (although I still sometimes read it… it’s like a car crash I can’t look away from). I feel like by not commenting, I’m at least not contributing to the support for their unhealthy behaviour. But I feel like I should be doing more – because these bloggers aren’t just hurting themselves – they are hurting their vulnerable readers.
It’s funny because there have been a lot of posts like this lately and I have a gut feeling a lot of them are geared towards one blogger in particular. And if the rest of us all feel this way, how can that blogger be so oblivious?!
Chelsea @ One Healthy Munchkin recently posted..Bolognese sauce success
I know what you mean, but it’s hard to do more when people aren’t willing to admit they have a problem and accept help. And it is hard to believe that someone can be so oblivious, which leads me to believe that they aren’t as oblivious as they pretend to be… I know that even at my most disordered, I knew what I was doing was wrong, I just wasn’t willing to do anything about it…
I don’t read a ton of HLB’s but I see a lot of destructive shit on IG – like posting their current weight/goal weight in their profiles + 34598349 workout photos every day… and weird gooey/artificial sweetener/egg white/protein powder food concoctions. This needs to change – it’s alarming that young women are preaching about ‘healthy eating’ but are developing food phobias to PERFECTLY HEALTHY FOODS – whole eggs, CANE SUGAR, grains, potatoes… WHO STARTED THIS?! I feel like I need to speak up & defend food. In regards to food allergies & intolerances, I have two theories about why this is running rampant. 1. When you cram 38592 ingredients into one dish, of course you’re going to feel like crap. 2. The psychological anxiety surrounding food & attaining the perfect body is creating a physical response that weakens the GI tract, which in turn, makes you more susceptible to food sensitivities. It’s a vicious cycle, and the only way to fix it is to work on the spirit & maybe invest in a therapist, instead of protein powder.
Have you read the blog GoKaleo? She is like the more aggressive version of you… she has a lot of great things to say, too.
Jo @ LivingMintGreen recently posted..Weekend Getaway: Country Encounters
LOVE your theory on intolerances. With some of the weird food combinations that people come up with, it’s really no surprise that their GI tract is going a little wonky… heck, I’ve been guilty of that myself. And the IG pictures some people post… oh man don’t even get me started on the recent increase of HR monitor/calories burned pictures popping up all over the place. It’s enough to make my left eye start twitching…
I know you hate it when *I* make assumptions lol (I mean come on, a fellow Polak? But then again, aren’t we the most critical people on the planet?), but I don’t do so out of spite or anything. It really is out of concern. I do it when I feel like I come across something that mirrors what I’m guilty of having done or continue to do. Obviously, I know that I can misread something or misconstrue it. But I feel compelled to comment if I think I have something legitimate to contribute — something to point out to the blogger that may get them to re-evaluate something, or to just get people thinking in general.
Something I noticed when I went to a few ED support group meetings at the beginning of my recovery was that I was the one who constantly talked… being totally open about EVERYTHING, and giving in to gaining weight. I HATED that every other girl there was just a wallflower…. I thought, “Why are you even here!?” It made me furious. I couldn’t understand it. But what I take from that is that clearly, I was at a point where I was ready for recovery. The others were not, just as I wasn’t a mere two months before. It took a deep realization from WITHIN for me to give into recovery. No one could talk me into it before then. So…. yeah, commenting on disordered habits will really not do much good.
I don’t mind when you make assumptions – us Polaks have to watch out for each other
We’ve been talking for long enough for me to know that your comments come out of concern and not just being snarky. Besides, I appreciate being called on my sh*t every now and again 
Well it’s not even your sh*t per se, but maybe my own (or the commenter’s) as you pointed out in a comment above! Sometimes the tiniest thing that comes off remotely disordered can cause a red flag for someone who themselves is really suffering from that exact thing. Sometimes the case with me for sure!
One final rant: “I have no sweet tooth” …. *adds sugar alcohols & stevia to recipes*
WHAT THE EFF.
Jo @ LivingMintGreen recently posted..Weekend Getaway: Country Encounters
Hahahahah thank you for this!
LOL so true!
Chelsea @ One Healthy Munchkin recently posted..Bolognese sauce success
UHM YES TO ALL OF THIS.
Thank you for finally posting what NEEDS to be said. I have stopped reading quite a few bloggers who log crazy amounts of miles with no rest days and clearly don’t fuel themselves well because they look like they are going to break in half. It breaks my heart that they don’t realize what they are doing to their hormones, reproductive health and bones. I don’t know if it is more anger or this feeling of I need to help them but regardless sometimes It is just better to stop reading.
Kailey (Caffeinated Runner) recently posted..Flap Jack Friday
It was very interesting to read your post and everyone’s responses to it. I am new to the blog world, but have been reading them for years. I def. agree with your post. It seems that a ton of bloggers will agree with whatever the person posted. I feel like if that person wrote “I hate flowers”, most comments would be “oh yeah flowers aren’t great”. You certainly don’t see a whole person’s life through their posts. Blogs make people’s lives seem perfect. They are constantly working out, eating balanced meals, have happy marriages, and never have a bad day. In reality, that just doesn’t happen. I like reading blogs where the blogger shows a lot of different aspects of his/her life, even the not so perfect ones.
Ashley @ Life and Fitness recently posted..Some Eye Candy For Your Tuesday
So yes, I was thinking the same thing as the girls above. That some of the girls commenting clearly fall into this category in my mind. And you know what, maybe I’m one of those bloggers that people want to email. Right now, I’m in a good place to hear it. But I don’t think that I would have been even six months ago. And that’s all well and good now that I’ve made the progress that I have made. But I remember the first comment I got on BNS wayyyy back when. It was a GOMI-type commenting that they thought I was bullshit. Well, I brushed it off as them not knowing anything and deleted their comment. But it stuck with me. Because they were right. I was bullshit. At least now, I know how far I still have to go.
And as always, thank you for putting my thoughts into such eloquent words and pleasepleaseplease continue telling me the truth.
Chelsie S recently posted..Feb 4th
I think that’s part of the problem with bringing things to people’s attention… if they’re not ready to recover, any sort of comment voicing concern will just do more harm than good. It’s not going to spur the person to change, and it’ll just put them on the defensive.
And you know you can always count on me
<3 <3
I loved this post Amanda and definitely know what you’re talking about, since I used to be one of those girls! Thanks for all the tips:)
Sunnie@ModernGirlNutrition recently posted..Current Obsessions and Shopping Trader Joe’s Style!
I see a lot of disordered and sad bloggers, but I do not speak up, maybe I should?
Hell, I was in that place once too and I still have days where I have little struggles, but since being preggo it has not been that way! I am healthy and happy and want a healthy baby!
I feel like I don’t speak up because I am afraid that the blogger will get pissed off or upset at me. So hard to figure out what is right. I mean if it was a close friend in real life, hell yes I would say something.
Katie recently posted..What’s In My Makeup Bag
That’s part of the reason that I don’t speak up – because when people aren’t ready to change their ways, comments voicing concern will just upset them without doing anything to help. I just try to be there for them if they do want support or advice.
I love this! I tend to not put in my 2 cents, and if the blog starts to offend me or cause me to think poorly of myself I quit reading it. You are exactly right that we only see a snapshot of the blogger. I’m sure that person’s friends and family who know him/her way better than us readers notice if there is a problem, and they should be the ones to speak to them about it. Not a stranger. Just my thoughts on it though!
Brittany @ Delights and Delectables recently posted..January Favorites
This is essentially why I love your blog – you are REAL you are HONEST and you want to help others. I have stopped reading so many blogs because I felt that so many of them were written by people who really were unhappy with their lives and trying to make it seem like everything was just great. I really never felt comfortable commenting on another’s lifestyle that could be potentially harmful primarily because I didn’t know the personally but now that I think more about it I wonder if that is exactly what these kind of people need to see how harmful and unhappy their lives really are.
Yeah I’m not sure
I think it’s something that everyone has to realize on their own. Like I know that when I was in the depths of my ED, nothing anyone said to me made any difference. Of course they were right, but it wasn’t something I was willing to accept at the time. Ultimately it’s something the person has to internalize on their own.
i know this feeling. And usually i email the person and “check in.” or I just don’t comment. really depends. I would want some one to email and me and voice something. it means they care, but in a way thats not threatening, ya know?
lindsay recently posted..We’re Nuts. We know.
This is such a crazy post for me to read right now because I have been thinking the same thing for the past couple of months. I suffered from the same problems not too long ago so seeing people falling into these traps (ie. cutting carbs, exercising beyond reasonable measures, etc.) makes me run away in a totally different direction. I have had to cut out a lot of “healthy eating blogs” based on the fact that it just wasn’t what I needed at the time. Even now I read some blogs and it’s hard not to write anything about how they might be hurting themselves. It’s a very fine line and I’m not even sure how to go about it myself. But this post is wonderful and is definitely needs attention.
Amanda, this was such a great post & something I’ve been thinking about for quite sometime. Part of me feels like it’s not my place to say anything; I mean who am I to judge anyone, everyone has their flaws and problems in life. I mean like you said were only seeing a glimpse into their everyday life (gosh I feel like i’m talking about a reality TV show now ha), but than the other part of me feels like it is appropriate to an extent. I mean we all come into blogging knowing that people will read our posts, and that criticism is going to happen, it’s just how life is you know. I don’t know, I think if you become very close with someone, and you feel like you have built a relationship where it’s okay to maybe put in your two sense, make a tiny suggestion, than that’s okay because you two have that friendship where it’s not coming across rude.
Jessie recently posted..What I Ate Wednesday :: Not sick anymore
AAAAAAAHHH this is so tough. And I agree with you, I don’t really think the comments section is the best place for it – I’ve sent a few emails to bloggers about their eating/exercise habits, and I always tried to voice my concerns gently and make it clear that I’m doing it out of CONCERN not out of being a jerk. It’s never been recieved well – one girl blocked me on twitter and another shot me back a super defensive email.
I think a lot of times its hard to tell when someone’s really got a problem and when their actions are legit. I don’t post about food a lot because I can’t eat gluten, and therefore don’t eat normal things like bread and cereal. Which, let me tell you, SUCKS and I ate that stuff all through my eating disorder time – but you never know who’s going to believe you, ESPECIALLY when I used to have an ED and still sometimes have food anxiety issues (which I try to be very transparent about – another reason I don’t talk about food a lot, I don’t want to come off like I’m 100% fine and normal cuz I know I’m not). I think there’s a lot of…doubt and mistrust that goes around in the blog world. And you’re also right that we have “closer” blog friends so the girls I’m close with I would probably say something too, but if I just started reading someone’s blog….? hmm. tough call.
That said, a lot of those bloggers honestly, reading their posts makes me feel pretty bad about myself (like I said, still have those food anxiety issues) and they make it hard for me to focus on doing what’s right for me – so I’ve stopped reading them all. My google reader is about ten blogs haha. I know that’s turning the blind eye, and maybe I’m doing them a disservice by not trying to help, but I have to look out for #1 ya know?
I don’t think you’re doing them a disservice at all, because like you said… those kind of comments are never well received. You can’t force someone to stop their destructive habits and get help – they have to be ready and willing to change. All you can really do is be there to offer support and advice when they ask for it.
Love this. I literally just clicked “publish” on a very similar post. Have you ever spoken up on those blogs that you mention? Sometimes I feel like it… But I never do.
Eating 4 Balance recently posted..“Watch Out! It’s a Trap!” (Special WIAW Edition)
I’ve hinted and offered subtle suggestions on what they might try to change when they mention that they haven’t been feeling the best, but I’ve never straight up gone out and said anything critical.
Wow. What an honest post… I am thinking that sometimes it isn’t that we don’t care enough, but that we know we might not have all of the information.
I haven’t been blogging for very long or following anyone for any length of time. This hasn’t been a problem for me so far. It seems like the best thing to do would be to gently voice your opinion if you are worried about someone’s health. There have been many times I can remember someone (not about health – but about my kids, etc.) saying something in just-the-right way. I was mad for awhile, but when I took the time to think about it I realized they were right.
Thanks for the deep thoughts!
Stephanie@nowirun.com recently posted..Regular old (FANTASTIC) average day
Are you in my brain right now? Seriously, another topic that hit close to home for me. I’m actually really glad that you did comment on the post I had about my struggles, but I know it can be hard to just say what needs to be said. I do think it works better if the blogger is honest in the first place, and invites constructive commentary but the problem is that most are in denial or are just misleading their readers.
About the legitimate claims, I have to plead guilty. I tend to eat mostly gluten free, partly because I feel a little better without it, but mostly because I view it as a more ‘clean’ choice. Really, it’s just a way for me to restrict my food. However, I choose to be vegan not because of my eating disordered past, but because I have strong opinions about the farming industry and being a plant-based eater really works for me right now. I’ve challenged a lot of former fear foods because of it, so I don’t see it as restrictive. But as you said, it has to come from a place of honesty, not just trying to be as healthy as possible.
Ashley @ AlmostVegGirlie recently posted..Recipe Redux: (Raw) Vegan Jalapeno Poppers
That’s a really great point, Ashely – it’s a lot easier to offer advice to an honest blogger than it is to call bull on someone who’s pretending that everything is fine. Again, honesty and openness are kind of key when it comes to communication…
I am so grateful you wrote this post because I feel like this issue is often delicately sidestepped so often in the blog world. I come arose my fair share of blogs that leave me with an uncomfortable feeling, but like you I am often uncertain on whether it is my place to voice my opinion. I tend to keep my thoughts to myself, as it seems most of us have said we do, because I can’t say it is my place to comment on the way anyone lives their life. I prefer to stick to reading blogs that give me happiness and that I can relate to, and tend to stay away from those that clearly present issues. I am not sure if that is the way to go in terms of what is best for bringing some light to the issue, but it is what is I prefer to surround myself with. I do know, though, that if the situation happened with someone I am close with, in real life or a close blog friend, I would feel obligated to express my concern if only to offer support if they realize they need it. I sometimes have a hard time sharing so much on my blog because it is simply a glimpse into my everyday life, and I never want anyone reading it to feel the need to compare or feel as those their own habits are right or wrong.
That tangent aside, you are amazing for constantly bringing up topics that I know many bloggers are thinking about and providing a platform for some actual discussion. The more we talk about it, the more the subject will get out there.
Gina @ Health, Love, and Chocolate recently posted..Upper Body Workout
It’s definitely a tricky situation! After all, what we see on blogs isn’t necessarily the whole truth – or the whole story. It’s certainly important to not encourage behaviours that you feel are disordered or incorrect.
It’s hard – I post gluten free recipes and give advice because I’m a coeliac – but I have hundreds of readers commenting/emailing for gluten free suggestions/advice because they want to “avoid gluten because it’s bad” or “need to eat cleaner” or the like. I actually think the opposite as I would much prefer to be eating gluteny whole grains and whole foods!
Kristy @ Southern In Law recently posted..Back to Basics: The Best Creamy Grits Recipe
I can definitely imagine that being annoying
Aside from people who have a genuine medical condition that requires the elimination of gluten, going gluten-free seems to be another diet trend that many people are latching on to; and the sad thing is that so many of them believe it makes them feel better… but who can really say if that’s actually true or if it’s just a placebo effect.
The blog world definitely helped me a lot in terms of recovery. Honestly, I didn’t start blogging when I first discovered this community because to some extent, I knew I was not eating well.
The more blogs I discovered, the more confused I got at times. But when I finally plunged into recovery, I realised it’s all not right. I see girls eating so much lesser than what I eat. My snacks look like their lunches/dinners!
It used to scare me how I wasn’t eating just carrot sticks or an apple for a snack (To me fruits are not even considered ‘snacks’, I just stuff them in my face and forget I had them in a few hours), or working out intensely every single day (I only work out like 4 times a week). But then I realise that I am in a happier, healthier, stronger, and better place.
Great post as usual, love!
Shreya @ rushofendorphins recently posted..WIAW #14, Chocolate, and Coffee
A person has to be really firmly rooted in their own beliefs to not be affected by what they see in the blog world, and that can be really difficult in the early stages of recovery. It’s great to hear that you’ve been sticking to your guns, Shreya
Great topic. While I do think the “you’re only seeing bits of my life!” thing is a bit overstated (sometimes we see more of a bloggers life than we do of IRL friends who aren’t that close), I agree that it can be difficult to gauge. I don’t have a problem with people who are honest about their struggles and genuinely make moves to change, but I have a BIG problem with the many bloggers who act like a wonderful example of healthy living on their blogs. The problem, as I see it, is that many readers come across these blogs and actually do find them inspirational, and aspire to live the UNhealthy lifestyle of the blogger, whilst thinking it’s healthy. The problem with calling them out in the comments is that it goes nowhere and you’d just get attacked by other readers, but I have emailed a blogger or two. I think email is a better avenue to provide that sort of feedback because you can go into more detail and express genuine concern rather than being seen as a “hater” on the blog. That said, I don’t generally believe my feedback does any good. I just hope that it’s one piece among many that pushes them past denial and into genuine recovery. Readers actually do care about bloggers. That’s what makes blogs different than reading, say, a newspaper. To me it’s a shame that expressing concern is seen as so hurtful and disingenuous, when it often comes from a very authentic place.
“Readers actually do care about bloggers.” <– that totally made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Like those above, you took my thoughts and put them into words [as you usually do]- very well said girl! I feel as if this has become all too prevalent lately and there is a lot of healthy living hypocrisy going around… Sadly. I think this is a sticky subject and somewhat of a gray area, whether you should say anything or just move. As I’ve come across certain things in the past, I’ve either moved on and kept my thoughts to myself, stopped reading the said blog, or sent the blogger an email which feels more personal than leaving them a comment for everyone else to see. XO
Allison @ Life’s a Bowl recently posted..It’s Been a While
I loved this post, Amanda, not to mention reading through most of the comments.
I actually was thinking something similar last week when a reader (whom I’ve never met before) wrote me an email about the confusion that she currently has about the concept, “What is healthy?” What should I eat? Is _____ food bad? _______ blogger says that fruit is the devil…What should I do??? etc. It made me realize that there are SO many bloggers out there, many of whom have very unhealthy eating and exercise regimes, and I can see how it might be incredibly confusing for some readers.
Great topic. When I first started my blog I developed a “friendship” with one girl who posted about going out to eat all the time. She was always willing to try new things when she went out to eat, but she wrote up a post about how eating naturally and organically was her passion so I simply asked her why it was easy for her to eat anything she wanted when she went out to eat.
She bitched back at me, defriended me on facebook, and I haven’t heard from her since.
I think THAT is what holds me back.
Laura recently posted..Updates!
Yeah, a lot of people tend to get crazy defensive when their habits are questioned, which is unfortunate because a disordered mindset often keeps us from seeing things in an objective light – something that others are able to provide.
Ya, I wish I could say I have never gotten mad or defensive at someone for mentioning a habit of mine, but the truth is it happens way more than I would like to admit. However, usually after some time to think I realize that they were right and it was my ED trying to hold on tight that caused me to react the way I did.
Laura recently posted..Updates!
Such a good post. I know I have had issues in my past and working on getting over them but I know the people who read my blog can see I did and know when I had say a binge or something. Def not the life to live and when I talk about it I make that so clear. It’s also hard to say because when I have opened up about my past in some of my posts I got some nasty emails and I took them because I feel a blog is opening up your life so it sort of comes with it. I don’t really count calories but I’m not gonna lie I have a sort of idea in my head about portions for being an avid counter for years. I know some blogs that I can’t even look at anymore sadly because it would be to triggering. (ex; she had green juice every meal, maybe I should do that?! or no sweets for her at all?! as im eating a cookie and now hating myself) I dont want those thoughts in my head and I don’t want anyone reading mine to ever get those thoughts. As for exercise I don’t know why but the whole HR monitor has been bugging me. I def see it as a good tool, but for some people! You know when you need it for the right reasons. I go to the gym and can run for an hour and the treadmill will read I burned 1000 calories, do I then go home to eat 1000 calories? No I listen to my body and eat what/when I want.. Glad you wrote this Amanda!
kaity @ kaityscooking recently posted..One of those days
Great post and I was wondering what you thinks constitutes speaking up. I was half-expecting you to list bloggers you find in need of a wake-up call. Or do you suggest less hollow praise in comments sections and instead writing an email to that person? I agree being unkind, especially in the public domain, accomplishes little (and the blogger can delete it anyway).
Publicly calling out bloggers is something that I definitely wouldn’t ever do – it just seems incredibly disrespectful and out of line. When it comes to commenting, I’ll leave pretty neutral comments, or if they mention some kind of nagging ailment or concern (ie: I’m tired all the time, I ache, I don’t get my period), I’ll offer subtle suggestions at what they might try to do to fix it or relate some similar problems I experienced when I was going about doing things all wrong. It’s easier to give advice to bloggers who are open with their struggles… it’s a lot harder when it comes to those who pretend that everything is okay when it’s not.
*what you think (typing on phone!)
This is a really great post, Amanda. I’ve seen plenty of things on blogs I don’t agree with, but how much do we know about the person’s life at the same time? I feel like it’s tough to judge disordered behavior unless we know the person outside the blog. I remember seeing a blogger post about how she was sick (like flu symptoms sick) and she still exercised and went to work. I left a comment saying she should rest instead of working out, but then again, I’m not her, and I’m not a doctor. I felt a little bad about it after, honestly. This is just such a tough thing to address!
Amanda recently posted..Races To-Do
There are no words left for me to say. So much has already been stated. Just wanted to say VERY informative post with much needed dialogue. Prayerfully it spoke to someone in need.
Joi recently posted..DYWW #3: Back to Basics & How to Make Your iBooks Audible
Such a great post as others have already said. I think this is a very tough topic, I know that I had a period of being disordered – but hand on heart I didn’t realise how bad it was. I think if people had called me out on it (I guess a few tried to) I would have been defensive because in all honesty I didn’t realise I had a problem. I do think you are right in that comments sections aren’t always the best places to try and make these points, I think if someone had emailed me personally and been supportive that would have helped. I guess now I’m in a place where I feel like I’m over thinking everything to make sure that people don’t think I’m disordered!
I can definitely relate to the over thinking thing. I occasionally find myself questioning my choices just in case someone might accuse me of still hanging on to disordered thoughts.
I think that it’s hard to judge a person by a blog and make the definitive statement “she has an eating disorder”. You don’t really know that person. A blog paints an exclusive picture of a life. Not the whole thing. You don’t know the whole story. You only know what you went through. So looking at a blog and making that judgement is kind of hard. If an eating disorder is THAT obvious….I guess just take it with a grain of salt and trust that this person has people in her life that care enough to intervene. I’m not sure it’s out job as bloggers to make it known.
Andrea @Pencils and Pancakes recently posted..Olive a Sudden Oils
Amen. Amen. Thanks for writing this
Really good post, and all the comments resonate my own opinion too. It’s just terrifying to read certain posts sometimes. I read a fair few blogs, like I’m sure a lot of other bloggers do as well, and it’s so easy to get ‘caught up’ in what the normality has become. You start reading so many times that gluten’s bad for you, you start to question yourself when you choose a sandwich – and god forbid white bread!! But it’s suddenly become normal. I show my husband some posts (he doesn’t read blogs or care at all really about healthy food and fitness) and he just can’t believe it. He seems bewildered by it all. It can be a dangerous community at times and if you don’t get a breath of fresh air (I.e. reality) you can become lost in it.
I think it wonder be wholly unfair to comment anything about a disordered post – whether in praise or criticism, I think it’s far more respectful to email, and only if you know the person well enough to do so. I also seriously wonder about the blogger’s family and if they read the posts. I just hope they have enough support around them.
Anna @AnnaTheApple recently posted..Week recap
You raised a really good point about the dangers of getting completely engrossed in the HLB community, Anna. I definitely think that people start redefining what normal is when they’re constantly reading blogs, and that can lead them to do things that they otherwise wouldn’t. Like if we take a look at the world “out there,” most people aren’t exercising 6 or 7 days a week and eating a completely clean diet… yet they still manage to be healthy. A good dose of reality every now and then is definitely beneficial.
You just spoke words I hadn’t realized I have been contemplating for a long time. I struggle with the blog stuff a lot because there are times that I just don’t agree with something or I see that something MIGHT be wrong. But should you say something when they aren’t reaching out? See I don’t think you have a responsibility to but it is hard for me as a person not to voice my opinions especially when I read about these girls almost every day and for some I really feel like they are friends. For those I do feel a friend responsibility to voice concern if I feel like something might be up. But not in the comment section. I think the comment section should be a place where we can offer encouragement and friendly advice if they ask. If you have nothing to say there it might be best just to send an email and keep your comments private?
Shannon recently posted..Dad, I Love You
I didn’t think it was possible for me to adore you anymore and BAM somehow you managed to raise the bar again
This is something that’s been on my mind lately as well. You really nailed all the various arguments and did a great job explaining the different approaches one can take when it comes to concern and judgement. I have no shame in admitting that I often come across content that I disagree with but I rarely (if ever) express this. Personally, I think it’s fine to keep your opinions to yourself – like you said, if there is true emotional concern there are other (better) ways to make your thoughts known than through a comment. With that said, I would say that 90% of the time I try to refrain from judgement because a blog often only shows part of someone’s life. Who am I to judge someone who I’ve never met in person or haven’t spent significant time getting to know? First impressions and blogging personalities presented count, yes, but ultimately it’s up to the individual (i.e. you and I and other readers) to decide if (or how) to judge.
Irina @ Chocolatea Time recently posted..Repair & Re-Purpose
You can’t be in the healthy living blog world without coming across such things. There will always be some recovering girl who preaches about the benefits of recovery and stays at the same frightening weight for years, some recovered girl who suddenly drops all the weight she’s gained and pretends nothing happened, some supposedly perfectly normal girl who tracks nutrients to the microgram and exercises until exhaustion. There’s no way to avoid them. But shall we react? What can we say that won’t make us look like “yet another jealous b*tch”? Sometimes I just want to open my mouth and say it out loud – “Stop torturing yourself!” – but in the end I don’t because I know they won’t listen anyway. And who am I to judge? Another fear I have is that I might be wrong and see disordered behaviour even there where there’s none because of my own past mistakes. I don’t want to put labels on anybody so I simply close the page and hope they know what they’re doing.
Albizia recently posted..Надежда
Like you mentioned, it’s hard to really say something to someone (even if we feel in our gut that something is really wrong) because a blog IS only a tiny bit of someone’s life. Sometimes I forget just how much diversity there is in blog world and I forget that there are people out there who analyze every single thing that they eat…because I just don’t think that way. The last thing I want is for someone (especially someone with a disordered mindset) to tell me that I need to start (or stop) eating this or that. All that being said, I guess I just chose to remain quiet for fear of “getting it wrong”…if I don’t know the whole story, who am I to make assumptions?
Heather @ Kiss My Broccoli recently posted..Sweet as Pie
I gotta agree with Heather on this one. We are seeing just a small glimpse of someone through their blog, and unless I know them personally, I’m not going to call them out on their behavior. In most cases, I simply stop reading blogs where I find the behavior disordered, and in the case of bloggers I really enjoy, I try to comment and praise the positive things (i.e. eating more or taking a day off from exercise) rather than point out the negative.
Great post! One part of this that I have dealt with was the ONE time I got fresh enough to leave a comment about what I thought was a bad habit. I was verbally attacked by other readers and I mean down right mean and horrible things said about me, all for leaving a comment that was only meant to offer a little warning. I couldn’t believe it! I prefaced the comment with the this is going to sound mean but as an employer I was trying to give her a polite heads up. I was shocked by the words that some entitled young ladies wrote about me for leaving such a horrible comment. I was in a way heartbroken. My blog I leave open to all comments and I respect everyone’s opinion. People have left less than flattering comments on my blog and I respond to them politely and professionally. I would never let me readers attack another reader.
Renee recently posted..Midweek Motivation
I’m sorry to hear that you had to go through that, Renee
I don’t moderate my comments when they pertain to me or what I say, but I would never allow one reader to bash another – that’s just uncalled for.
Goodness this is a tough one! I certainly don’t leave supportive comments if I see something strikingly amiss…but I usually wouldn’t have started reading that blog in the first place. I stay away from ones I can’t relate to or that might make me feel bad about the way I eat.
If something did bug me about a blogger I either “knew” or had been reading for awhile, an e-mail seems like the best approach. We can still be considerate of others’ feelings…but if something either bugs me (non-food or fitness related) or I am concerned for readers or the blogger, I am the type of person that can’t feel good about myself unless I say something.
Thanks for bringing this topic up…maybe a follow-up later on the conclusion you came to?
Amanda @ Diary of a Semi-Health Nut recently posted..{MIMM #10} It’s Monday BUT
{ 4 trackbacks }